It's been awhile...

So it's been months since my last post. After that post things kinda starter going downhill for a bit.
When I returned home I didn't get so much of a congratulations from my mom, my dad said congrats n have me a hug, mom on the other hand kind of single handedly ruined my happiness of my engagement for me. I got to enjoy the few days with Ben in Vegas ring engaged just us knowing. My mom thought I was going to say no apparently and was hoping I would., she was also uneasy that everytime I called she happened to be away. It wasn't my fault that she was out or they didn't pick up. My mom was extremely overwhelmed n told me she wasn't happy n couldn't be happy for me and Ben. It was too much for her that she was still dealing with me having cancer and that her dreams for me were already trashed and this isn't what she wanted at all.
I still haven't fully recovered from that I haven't been able to enjoy or say I've been really happy about it.
I also found out that my grama was had traveled to Guyana and she wasn't doing well at all, infact she landed in the hospital and the doctors couldn't not help her, they sent her home with pain meds n said to make her as comfortable as possible....
I was devastated I wasn't ready to let my grama go but I understand her pain I've been there before and it's awful and all I could think was God please take her quickly don't let her suffer. So I asked Ben to keep the engagement a secret because I couldn't be happy about it cuz of my grama dying 100s of miles away and I couldn't be there to comfort her. My mom not being supportive. The engagement seemed so petty afterwards, I seriously questioned if I made the right choice. I did however got to tell my grama on the last day she could speak about my engagement, she managed to say WOW :) that was the last articulated word I heard her say to me. The next day she slipped into a downward spiral couldn't talk wouldn't eat or drink and passed a week later. My family is still recovering an having a hard time dealing with our loss. We all miss her so much and she was so loved and cherished, ill miss her always but like jessica and Kayla and others I've lost I know they r still with me and ill see them again :)
Afterwards we started telling the family slowly of our engagement and after some hurt feelings of me and Ben keeping it from the family have been gotten over I think everyone is happy for me. It's been months and my mom is still trying to come around its made the first few months of my engagement rough. People will ask me when's the date n of course I have to say idk, r u happy (I have to think about it cuz idk) but u answer yea automatically, r my parents happy well I never honestly answer this cuz truthfully I think they think its a joke...
But anyway Inbetween all of this I found out that before me my mom and my dad and Bree went to Mexico los cabo for my moms 50th birthday that my scans showed some weird activity, my doctor and his resident asked me a lot more questions than usual. Asked if I was experiencing pain or shortness of breath and my energy level with much more depth. Turns out that it showed their may be potential activity in the cancer but its to soon to tell, this was August 15th. So I went to Mexico kind of stressed because the cancer could potentially be growing again and in two more cycles and a scan ill find out I it is or not.... I went to Mexico and the next day of us landing I started getting sever pain in my shoulder then I started to worry even more!!!
The trip was actually pretty fun and it was gorgeous :) the next day of us landing I went for another round of chemo and low n behold the pain somewhat went away. So that was encouraging. After that chemo, me and Benjamin started planning our engagment party, oct 13 2012 was the date and its in a few days n I'm not excited yet. I don't like all attention on me and we have 100 guests coming, so I really want everyone to have a good time but its hard to make sure that happens with so many people. Thank goodness for amazing friends cu I enlisted so many of my friends to help out and they are all so willing to help its wonderful. I'm such a lucky person to have so many people care for me. I have had another round of chemo. And I get scanned tmr and results Friday the day before the party. And I'm very nervous idk what to think or do or how to feel about it.
I'm so worried things won't go as planned, I have so much to look forward to now and I'm so scared I won't be able to experience any of it. Like moving out and finding our own place for me and Ben, actually getting married, just living in my own, being able to find a job or volunteer on a regular basis Downtown at shelters. Trips etc. I just don't want to be left behind or forgotten or miss out of anything. I'm hoping this scan gives me good news, idk how much longer I can take this emotion agony.
On oct 4 2012 I celebrated 5yrs since I was diagnosed, 5 bloodly yrs literally! I either didn't have enough blood or my bloo was so thin I wasn't allowed to do anything until it gained preasure. It's been stressful planning the engagement and having these scans in my mind. The fear that's grips my heart is unbearable and I'm so nervous, I'm constantly praying in my head and I never stop praying....