The Standard

So the chain of events did indeed start on the 16th at 8am sharp. Doctor came in and informed me that there was infact some growth and going from the scan from before I started yondelis to the scan that showed reduction some of the tumors have grown 50-75%. So the tumors are not as big as they were last year but their is significant growth. Therefore Yondelis has infact stopped working and we need a change. So there was no new trials open or availible to me as of right now and Dr. Chu told me that my best option right now is going back to the standard treatment of IE because I always seemed to respond to it.
So lovely standard treatment of IE 3 days in a row 7rhs eachday as an outpatient, The drug is harsh and needs alot of extra given fluid to ensure the drugs get out of my system as fast and safe as possible. I will loose my hair again, I will loose weight, loose my appetite, and probubly any self confidence i would of gained over the last few months.
I had no time to detox Dr. chu booked me straight away for chemo asap and i had my first session on March 21-23 and I felt horrible omgoshh I havent felt so sick in a few months. At least it wasnt a muscle achey pain but more of a if i dont get sleep and have my head on straight I am going to black out and break myself.
I could bearly walk up and down the stairs without feeling like i was going to fall over once i reached my destinaiton.
I didnt think it was going to happen so incredibly fast I felt i didnt have time to breath. and now im thrown into chemo all over again and im wondering how much longer I can put up with this shit, I realise that chemo is what is prolonging my life but at what quality will I have left if I continue to get weaker and weaker.
Im trying to listen for what God wants me to do and i dont know if he has anything for me to do or if im not listening hard enough.
I have to many things going on in my head, wanting to hang out with my friends spend time with my family make bigger plans like going to a different country or a weekend trip with them. Making plans with Ben and trying to spend time together, which is harder to come by and im almost sure that it will probubly continue to get worse being an auditor and constantly traveling and busy season the hours are ridiculous.
My friends have their lives and I have mine, our lifestyles and worries are much different, some times I would catch myself getting pretty angry with how some of my friends are handling their situations. Is it appropriate to be scared Absolutely and not all of them are being stupid about it. Its a big deal having such life changes they are all graduating and having to look for jobs to start careers and thats a very big change! and mostly all of them are still getting out there and making a huge effort into finding work and trying out to field for themselves. While others are taking their sweet damn time and NOT EVEN TRYING they sit at home all day on their asses, stressing about other things that with little effort can be dealt with you have to put in the time to get them done. Some dont seem to want to actually realize that its time to grow up and be your own sustainable member in society and take some responsibility for your own life.
Only reason I get irritated is because I wish i had that chance, to make a change to choose a career let alone have the education behind it to look for one, be healthy enough for one and not be a liability, I wish i had the chance to take the step of being able to support myself and take responsibility of myself. I cant support myself or live on my own without someone checking in on me or helping me if i have treatment....
I realize that my situation isnt like everyone else but it is what it is and this is why i get irritated. Now my friends they dont have to worry about death as far as they are concerned it wont happen to them for many many years to come till they are retired n etc etc etc the possibilities are endless.
Anyway its several days after treatment and I am feeling much better than right off chemo so im guessing a good 5days till i feel pretty good again, not including lingering leg pain gcsf pain etc etc lol But id be able to drive and do stuff without falling on my face.
But I am resting this week and I have lots of fun things planned that im really excited about=)
I get to spend some time with Ben which is really cool i get to see a oilers hockey game with great seats oilers vs dallas i really hope oilers win it would be awesome!! and then thursday we are going to go see the blue man group and im soooo excited to see them!!! and then friday Ben has a business dinner which should be pretty fun and saturday we have his cousins birthday dinner and then probubly going out to celebrate lol and then sunday we have the easter play at church =)
So im determined to make everything this weak with or without my parents permission im going if i am physically capable.