Really...

This isnt exactly a blog entry but more of a side comment to how im doing mentally and emotionally these past few weeks. Everything has changed so fast its pretty head spinning, im used to fast pased and things changing. I dont think i mentally prepared myself very well for this last treatment. Ive had to hide alot and worry quickly and in silence. For the last few weeks ive gotten little to no sleep and i honestly think I have developed insomnia from all the chemo ive gotten. Now i dont deal with strangers everyday i deal with the people that ive known for many years. I realize that getting no sleep ill look tired and even look like im in pain. I can only mask so much i mean im still human for goodness sake.
every meeting ive had for the last month everyone has said you look tired, no really you look really tired. . . . . . and thats totally fine!!
But they all know that i dont sleep very well because of the side effects from chemo which I take because i have cancer they all know that!!!!!!
So why people are constantly asking me why im not sleep well is mind blowing to me.
Its been a month and now im getting really tired of hearing that I look tired, that i look really bad. .... because im honestly trying very hard not to look tired and look my best!! Trying to dress like I care about myself and my self image.... ive even started to wear more makeup try to hide my dark circles and my sleep deprived skin issues and looks..
After a month of this and a lot of events this week im at the last party event of the week and first thing i hear when i walk into Bens house by his parents is that "she looks very tired, Yes she looks very tired"...... Thank you very much
I understand they havent seen me in a week or two and i wont say anything to them, AM I SUPPOSE TO LOOK GREAT ALL THE TIME IM DOING MY BEST HERE!!!
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT IM ON CHEMO AND I HAVE CANCER WHY ARE PEOPLE COMMENTING ON THE FACT THAT I LOOK TIRED ALL THE TIME.
What are you suppose to have constant chemo for 5 years and by the way just had a 3 day chemo last week and look fucking rested??????
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I started crying like a fucking child with a tantrum by myself upstairs in bens house and i still to this very moment feel like an idiot. . . . .
I realize that i look tired and im sorry that i look tired. but really I have to go through a lot in my life its not normal by any means my life compares to no one that i know and im sure that everyone else would have a hard time doing what i do if they had too.
So was having a great week until about 20min ago and has my own little mental break down of I Know that i look bad thanks for the constant commenting people thanks.

What do you expect from a 21yr old who has done 5 yrs of intense chemo therapy and has no options left? a supermodel NOOOOOO
So people get that out of your head jeezzzzz

OKay that was my little rant of rage anger and complete disappointment