March 11 2012

Two months has passed from my last post and I am obviously failing at my attempt to keep up with my blog every few days.
Im currently working towards getting a new computer so that it doesnt take a full 15-20min for a lap top to boot up and be ready for me to use lol
A lot can happen in the period of a few hours, let alone 2 months.
Its actually been a pretty busy few months now that I think of it, trying to get myself organized and prioritize my life aswell. January a lot of people who knew me could breath a little easier when it came to me and my Cancer battle.
I have to mention that I trully love all my friends who have made my life quite interesting with or without the drama that each and everyone of them bring to my table, it always makes my world spin round with a little more bounce =)
It wasnt enough that they threw me a really big surprise birthday party for my 21st but just my closest girlfriends also decided to do a surprise dinner at a great malaysian reasturant called Tropika which I completely recommend =) A bunch of us sat and ate and talked and laughed and they even got a cake and pretended it was my birthday all over again. The dinner was to celebrate the good news I got early January and well trully no one in my life since completing my first round of chemo has ever celebrated with me. I trully appreciated the thought and the planning and the want for them to celebrate with me, it made me feel good to know that well they are seeing what I am going through and are proud of how hard ive been fighting.
So I have awesome friends and I love them all to pieces till the ends of this earth and im proud of each and everyone of them. I get the honor of watching them all grow in their lives and move forward with their futures and if im lucky get to help them along the way.

The pain was virtually gone for a good while after my 4th session of yondelis, and it felt really nice to not have to be popping a pain med at the end of the day to get some relief. Ive tolerated yondelis pretty decent I would say, its suppose to be a walk in the park type chemo but I tend to always be an odd ball which im sure my doctors and nurses just love about me. Just before my 6th yondelis cycle the pain came back and with a nasty revenge bite, the only meds working for pain is diloted which is 4x stronger than morphine, and even then it would only take a bit of the edge off. I havent had such a good feeling after I started experiencing the pain again, I know that it has to do with the Cancer because the pain would be more intense as I inhale and the pain would reside in areas of where I proved to have tumors growing. I try not to complain as to not worry anyone especially my parents, but they can see my discomfort and through my acting most times. I finished cycle 6 which means that im due for a re- evaluation so on March 8th I went in bright and early to CCI and got my regular CT scan done.
On March 16th is when Im going to meet with my doctor to find out if yondelis is still effective or if we must terminate treatment plan. Im not very confident for this meeting it could honeslty be going either way. I cant feel the small lump I could a few months ago in my right breast anymore but thats not to say that the pain ive been experiencing are other tumors growing in different places.
Im stressed and nervous and become more uneasy everyday that I get closer to my meeting. Im trying to prepare myself for what happens in either case. But you could only prepare so much. If I dont get a good result this scan, I know that my options are in the extremely slim catagory. I dont have many options, and the waiting lists are very long.
At 21 I never imagined that I would be preparing myself well to be very frank because no one else will, . . . . .preparing myself for death. I realize that im not dead yet and that im still here and I can still possibily achieve somethings, but time isnt a luxury I have unlike everyone else I know. Come friday months could become extremely precious weeks days even.
There are so many things to worry about Its hard to know where on earth to start.
There are so many things that I want to do and fear that I might not have the time to do them and that ill end up settling again and again and again.
Im most fearful of having regrets so im trying to avoid them.

What if you went to the doctor and they said you had one year but only God can be your real judge of when you leave this place. With that information what would you do in that one year?
could you imagine being told you have less time than that! What would become your priorities?