Calm before the storm kind of feeling

Its March 15 2012 and tomorrow morning starting at 8am i start the chain of events that lead up to my 9am evaluation with my doctor.
Im just sitting here thinking oh my goodness here we go . . . . Another evaluation. So many things ride on how these days go and what news my doctor has for me. My second thought is how many more of these days will i have? Then my third thought. . . . what will the CT show this time. Then i start my own little break down of how I think it will go, I ask myself how am I really feeling physically because mentally and emotionally isnt gonna affect the CT scan. Have I been eating okay have I been experiencing any abnormal or normal pain? have I been experiencing shortness of breath am i getting winded easily how is my energy level how fast am i getting tired.
Then I have the incredible enjoyment of battling with myself with what I will do depending on how the news turns out! A list of things if it goes bad and a list of things if it goes well!!
If it goes in a good direction I get the curtacy of being able to breath a little easier until my body or my doctor tells me to worry. Ill have a little more time to really make some plans maybe do something ive been wanting to do or move a little more forward in my life if its possible.
If it goes bad..... I mope for a good hour and try to keep it to myself normally this would include a shower n im in a ball crying. Then I try to accept whats happening and act accordingly, my doctor would have already looked into treatments or drugs or trials of any kind that would show some affect to the sarcoma that I have. He will give me the options and I would personally choose which one. Problem with this evaluation is that i dont know if i will have any more or different treaments availible to me at this point so thats whats worrying me.
This time if I do get not so nice news, I honestly dont know what happens or what to expect from here on out.
The evaluation is a family event for me but if I have to deal with bad news and no immediate back up plan, well that part is completely new to me. I would literally be faced with another prognosis if there is no availible treatment and a lot more pain medication which doesnt in my eyes seem comfortable.
Ive always had another treatment availible or another drug so im hoping that something came out or is availible to me, but this again is of course if I get bad news from my doctor.
Its amazing how you can have so many people in your life and love them all and you can also feel their love and support, and when I need it most its almost no where to be found.
Everyone is aware that I go in to see the doctor and knows that im nervous because I talk about it all week or the day before that im really nervous. All my friends tell me i hope its gonna go okay and dont worry itll be find and its okay to be nervous.
The day comes for me to go in and its almost comical because every single person I talked to forgot that I was getting results and asks a week later.
Fate would even have it that everytime I have a big meeting with my doctors and any big change in my treatment or complication that I have, even my boyfriend is unable to be here for me. Most of the time he is away for work and even if he is in town he is busy with work which of course is unfortunate and doesnt really motivate me to keep trying to involve him.
The same goes with my family most times too, its a rare occation when one of them actually remembers that I had to go in for results or even for treatment. They see me and ask why I look so tired and in my head im saying "really after 4 n half yrs"
Its hard to feel like they care when they dont seem to take my situation seriously, its like I would have to trully be given the prognosis that I was dying and I didnt have much longer for them to realize that yeah their neice has Cancer and is really friken sick.

With being this sick its hard for me to want to do things, in my mind im saying whats the point in doing this or dreaming or planning or making schedule if nothing can be set in stone with me. Why would I buy that expensive shirt or dress if I might die in a year or two. Why get a new computer or a new camera or spend money on anything new really. Why make a trip plan if I dont even know if its possible to go until the actual time.
Then with thinking whats the point in moving forward in my life, these thoughts are the most painful emotionally and are completely mentally taxing. Should I move out even for a month? Should I get married? Do I desereve to have as normal a life as anyone else who is healthy? whats the point of getting married if Im not guarenteed to be here or even be able to live on our own if we do decide to get married? Do I want to have my boyfriend hurt that much? Whats best for him? whats best for my family and my friends? How do I find a balance between living like I want to vs living like I must? Do I even have enough time to really discover who I am?

This list could go on for days literally and all of these questions bumbard me everyday and through every sleepless night which I might add are very many!
In other words im trully nervous and scared for tomorrow to see my doctor i trully dont know what the scan is going to show and what my doctor has to say.
And when I get the news if ill be strong enough to handle either way the answer takes me.....
If I didnt know God and know that he was carrying me throughout my life and has a plan for me, Im not sure I would still be here today. . .
I may be nervous and scared but I know even if I feel physically alone and deserted I know, Never once do I walk alone. . . .