To begin with just on a side note, Ben did in fact Pass his UFE exam =) I knew he would and I told him so. I'm very proud of him, and I make it a habit to always tell him that. He worked so hard and long and put his all into the casb program and im very happy to say that it payed off for him and all his hard work wasnt wasted.
So its Dec 4, 2011 a sunday and im at home in my room wishing that I dont have to go into CCI tomorrow and take a 3rd round of Yondelis/Chemotherapy. This has been the worst two months for me it trully has when I look back and account for everything. The news that I didnt want to hear, the rush into a new chemo that was suppose to be easy that turned out to be hard, the crazy God trick played in my life and coincedently getting sick the same time chemo would hit me and landing me in the emergency, the second round of chemo, getting transfusion for very low red cell count, the fever that landed me in hospital again. . . . . just recovering from that and now going for my third treatment.
In my mind im just thinking about what little trick God will play in my life this time to make me feel as if I have no control or no say in my life. Its been over 4yrs and im now 21 years old and I havent felt this way in a while, pointless almost hopeless losing strength courage and motivation and almost empty feeling. Its amazing what Cancer can take away from a persons life. I havent been able to go to university or even just work or be able to commit to a volunteer job. I dont stress about deadlines for school or getting work done at the work place. . . . . . since I was 16 ive been worrying about when God would and if he would take me before I felt I was ready. Im 21 years old and I have to worry about death, preparing those I love around me, comforting those around me like my family my friends my mom and my dad. While preparing myself and trying to make sure that im okay and stable enough to help the ones I love make sense of it all just like I am.
Its been 4yrs and im tired and I feel weak and sick, for the first time in 4yrs I feel like I need help and I need assistance, its the first time I felt actually felt that something was really growing and invading my body making me weaker than I wanna be and feel. I feel like I have Cancer. The pain theside effects. Im tired of doing this, of being poked and probed and prodded. Im sick of feeling sick and taking pills and doing scans and being hooked up to IV poles and doing vitals every 30min, the lack of sleep, the body changes that i never know when its coming or what it is. I dont want to be taking chemo anymore and it just kill me from the inside out and feeling like road kill how am I suppose to utalize the time I have left or just time in general to do the things I want or dreamed of if im never feeling well. Everything is a wait and see type deal with me, I cant make plans and say I will be there forsure.
Im just sick of being sick I dont want to do this waiting game chemo jugguling act anymore, im too tired and my body is finally starting to wear down and slow down on me.
I guess ill have to see how im doing after this treatment i get my first set of scans after my third chemo which means I find out if this Yondelis drug is working...... I pray it is.
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2 comments:
You certainly have been through a lot during your illness. Are your family and friends helping you?
To Lucy, My friends and my family have done their best in there eyes im sure. And i am lucky to have any support at all from my friends and family.
I dont know if you have any life threatening illness but when your family or friends are not in the same situation there is only so much your willing to tell in order not to burden others.
To david, what questions did you have if you want me to email you please give me your email address=)
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