Dec 1, 2011

So had my surgery done on Oct 20, 2011 for the IVAD insertion, so obviously was very sore and couldnt type for awhile. Ive had I believe the roughest 2 months in my medical history since Oct 12, 2011. The surgery was successful and the port seemed to be working in proper order it was just the healing process that needed to take place. Started my first round of chemo on Oct 24, 2011 only four days after my surgery and turned out my body was so defensive it made a fibren sheath (thin tissue blanket) over the IVAD and I had to go down for Xrays etc and doctors decided that they needed to use TPA to clear up the block and pray that the port would be useable for the chemo. 2 hours later the sheath cleared away and we could start chemo, but i was admitted into the Cross which i have never done before but because my drug needed to be administered for 24hrs straight i had to be admitted for a full 24hrs at CCI. So because of the whole my IVAD isnt working fiasco and not to mention nurses are still learning to use IVADS it took them forever to bloody access me, and figure out what was going on and fix the problem that took a whole day. I was admitted for basically three days I didnt get discharged and sent home until the 26th. I really didnt like staying in a hospital again i dont like the hospital food the nurses were SUPER nice though so i was really happy with that and oddly enough i got my own room which i had to admitt was pretty awesome lol


I felt oddly well off chemo even for me, but then it basically went down hill from there..... I hadnt been eating well and i had lost alot of weight just before i started this chemo. The next few days the 27-31st were a living nightmare of pain. Not only did I have my cancer pain but i have severe abdominal cramping and i started throwing up everything i ate or drank. I was bed ridden and i was getting constipation pain it was horrible. By the 30th at 8am I told my dad we had to go into the emergency i knew i was dehydrated and i hadnt went to the bathroom in days and i was weak and tired and in a massive amount of pain it was ridiculous. I hadnt felt that much discomfort or pain in a really long time I though it would never end. I was so scared something was really wrong and i really dont like going to the emergency room. We stayed In emergency for 20 hours, i was getting IV fluids n getting drugged with morphine and demarol and buscopan etc which only half helped the pain. I got a fleet done and had to drink max citrate all laxatives to help my bowels start moving again. I hated it all and it took hours to work at all, and by 5am i finally started going to the bathroom and by 6am i went home. I was still bed ridden for days after and still in some pain and was going to the bathroom constantly for days it was terrible........but at this point i said going to the bathroom was better than not going at all. And slowly i started working on getting to solid food again and before i knew it we were in the month of november. Ive never felt so weak and actually sick like i actually had cancer or that i was disabled at all in anyway, than i have after getting this Yondelis and going through constipation for the first time. When i went to shopping malls or anywhere I couldnt go unless they had somewhere for me to sit or if they had wheelchairs!!! I couldnt walk without feeling like i was going to pass out or fall flat on my face.


I felt so incredibly embarassed ive always been able to hold myself up ive always been able to help myself and be independent and do my own thing. for the first time in my cancer journey i was starting to wear out and tear down and i hated to admitt that i needed the help and i needed the assistance i cant hide it anymore. I needed to be dropped off and picked up at the door i needed to sit down in a bench immediatly after getting into the building. I felt like an old person that always needed to be watched it was pathetic.. . . . . everyone else said they understood but i could see it in there faces that they were just as surprised as i was and uncertain. Ive never been this sick before even at stollery i always bounced back i always got up after a day or two of rest. but now its a whole new story i needed rest all the time i couldnt get up n walk very far without having to hold onto something or sit down mid way.


For me it was starting to get degrading.


By Nov 9, 2011 i got another check up at CCI and was ready for another round of chemo and I was praying very hard that it would go nothing like the first round and I wouldnt land in the emergency for constipation.


I had my second round of Yondelis on Nov 10-11, 2011 and not only did i suck it up on the 11th after being exhausted from chemo we were taking out a very very close friend for her birthday dinner!!!! Sibin turned 21 on the 19th but we wanted to do dinner with the four "original girls from jr high" and we decided to take her to La Ronde the revolving restaurant in Edmonton!! only issue for me was that the only possible day was the 11th evening. So straight from getting discharged we drove straight to the restaurant for dinner and I pulled through amazingly but when I got home at mid night I crashed so hard I didnt believe it. I was getting exhausted with the smallest things and it was starting to freak me out.





My birthday was also coming up and so was Sibins and so was Bens and so was Susans lol So many birthdays in November it makes your head spin. I have amazing friends and parents that I know all support and love and care for me soo much. They planned right under my nose A HUGE surpise party that they threw on Nov 19th in my basement now i was exhausted after walking round all day with ben at city center and when i got home i had every intention of taking a nap and when i walk downstairs i hear giggling and laughing and snickering and lights and shadows and the lights go on and its like almost every person I know standing in my basement and I almost had an arithmia and passed out but i stayed standing with a probubly half shocked half wth half blank expression on my face cause i honestly didnt understand and i was so tired but so overwhelmed i didnt know what to do with myself. lol so no nap for me but i had an amazing night with close friends and had some great flashes from the past. Some of my friends made powerpoints and videos and they were amazingly well done and ill cherish them forever and when i have bad days ill probubly pull them out n those would cheer me up any time. It was amazing and i was really shocked at how many people came out and i was pretty overwhelmed but i felt horrible that i was so phyisically exhausted everyone worked so hard and i had no flipping idea that they were planning it at all i was very surprised they did an awesome job ;)





Evryday i seemed to get just a little bit better and seem to regain my strength a little bit. I was still very weak and had a hard time with standing for long periods etc for my birthday i really wanted to get out of the city and just relax with friends. So I planned a banff trip Nov 25-27 i was trying not to get excited but i was looking forward to it and really hoping to go. Fate wouldnt have it that way. Nov 21 i started having sensations like i was going to black out or faint i knew something just wasnt right, so i requested to get my bloodwork done a day early and i thought i needed a transfusion. Turned out i did need a transfusion so on the 24th i was scheduled to get two units of blood given to me and that would perk me up. It also decided to perk up my temp and i ended up getting a fever and i spiked it Friday morning and i was really crushed that i couldnt go on my banff trip i had to cancel with my friends and no body ended up going and i felt absolutly horrid about it. I cried all morning before we went into the emergency.......AGAIN!!!!! I was so looking forward to a break to getting away and not having to be reminded every second that i go to the hospital and etc etc etc etc i just wanted a break thats all and chemo and feeling sick and having the burden of not knowing exactly how much time i will have to postone things and get things i want done was getting to me. I feel like chemo is taking away so much from me, i get to plan few things and the bigs things i plan normally get screwed up because something in my life goes wrong and i hate that so much.
So i went to emergency and stayed maybe a full two hours before Cross called me and said oh we have a bed here for you so you can get transfered so me and my dad and my boyfriend Ben went to CCI to transfer me and i stayed at CCI for three days and two nights with the worst roomate ever. . . . i was miserable. I never been to the hospital so often in the last 2 yrs and i dont like it at all.
My 21 birthday came and went and now we are here at Dec 1 where i have another check up at CCI at 9am tmr to see if im ready for chemo number 3........not excited at all. If i am ready for chemo i get it on Dec 5-6, 2011. I have a vacation planned for the very end of december id be leaving the 24th coming back Jan 2 at 1am....... and im praying that this time nothing goes wrong and im able to go. I honestly want to convince myself that i cant go until the night of if im feeling okay and even then i would be nervous..... I have no motivation to plan anything in fear that ill have some medical problem and be more disappointed than i was the day before. Im sick of feeling weak and tired and nauseous and in pain and just sick, I want so bad to be healthy like everyone else and to be able to have my freedom and have a normal young adult life. . . . . .

Anyway on a side note Ben is getting his UFE results tomorrow morning and has been pretty nervous this week about it and is out having a pre results "gathering" at the canadian brew house with a bunch of writers this year and past writers to support them. I really hope he passes hes worked so hard and has come so far and I think hes gonna pass but i guess we have to wait for confirmation tomorrow morning, he gets his results at 8am!!! another thing appointments suck too i really wanted to be there for him so badly in the morning but i cant because i have a doctors appointment at 9am............how retarded is that!!! and when normally they book me in the afternoon it really pisses me off that oh it just so happens that the first time i get booked in the morning its the morning i wanted to be there for my boyfriend..... nice right fate is just so gracious. . . . . . . Im praying for him and im gonna say he passed but just incase next post ill definately state if he did or not but I know he did =D *I love you Ben you did great*