Oct 19 2011

Its been a few weeks and alot has happened and developed.
My grandma is still in the hospital we didnt think she would be in the hospital for so long, she was very dehydrated from the throwing up, it was apparently so bad that her kidneys were starting to fail. Thank the lord that with some IV fluids and constant care that was reversable!! Within a few days she was no longer dehydrated and she looked loads better than when we took her into the emergency. She was still having trouble with keeping food down though, she completed the surgery and the doctors said it went well. The stint in her stomach was in fact blocked up by the cancer growth and food that wasnt being digested properly. So after a day of draining her stomach they cleaned up the stint and placed a new one in. She started eating and she wasnt throwing up for a day or so, then she started having pain n started throwing up from the pain. About 4 days after the surgery she wasnt looking very good we all visited that day until 10pm and at 11pm we were called back to the hospital.
Now i was starting to have my own physical pain from my cancer as well and i was very tired so my parents being as wise as they are told me to stay home and try to rest while they went back to the hospital, if it was serious they would call me and tell me to drive to the hospital.
Turns out my grandma spiked a very high fever and was shaking very violently...... (ive had that b4 and i knew that meant she had an infection) . . question was from what and how serious was the infection!
They gave her a sedative to relax her muscles so she would stop from shaking so hard, but they over dosed her and they couldnt get her up and concious for many hours! they had to giver another drug to wake her up, even that didnt work. It took everyone 2hrs to wake her up and keep her up or her breathing would have stopped. Needless to say my family and myself were pissed at the staff and the incident that could of cost my grandma her life. My parents didnt come home until 4am that night. I stayed up for as long as i possible could that night i was so worried, i was on my bed crying and praying she would be okay and to give my family and my grandma the strength to pull through the night. I dont know when i fell asleep but it was after 2am.
The next day the doctors said it was a blood infection, most likly caused by the procedure done to replace the stint.
Its been about a week and a half or two weeks since then, they say that the infection seems to have cleared up but my grandma is still in a lot of pain. She is eating well enough and not throwing up anymore. But she is constantly high on pain medication and a bit delusional at times. Some days are really bad, just this past sunday the 16th we were called into the hosptial just after church and we all went.
I stopped going to the hospital everyday when i caught a cold somehow on oct 1, so i would stay at home and take care of myself while my parents went to the hosptial, n when my mom came home she would try to help me out as best she could. My pain was getting really bad those days too so i didnt go to the hospital i didnt want my grandma to see me in pain or high then she would just worry alot more! So we all agreed to tell my grama that I was fine i was at home resting and just wanted her to get better, told her that my doctors wanted me to go into the hospital as little as possible due to being suseptable to catching bugs easier.
So since i got better and the 16th i felt pretty good so i went with them to see what was going on. Ive never seen my grama like this b4. She was literally screaming and beside herself yelling, her eyes were wide open and she wasnt making any sense she was just screaming and yelling peoples names and when she saw us she just threw her arms out n started screaming louder. Come come come, help me help me help me please, God why why why why please please please save me help me save me save me.
She saw me and grabed my coat round my neck with pretty firm grip n dragged me close to her almost choking me n started yelling save us god save us save us help us help us why us why us save us save us save us please please please please. It took 3 people to convince her to let me go.
few min later my aunty savita showed up. N everyone was around my gramas bed side telling her stop yelling your okay we are all here and your son munesh is on his way its okay your gonna be okay please stop yelling. She didnt even realise she was yelling she thought she was whispering. She said she was in pain all over and that she didnt know where exactly. she was making no sense she was seeing things and saying things were watching her and she was praying in hindi and singing prayer songs and saying God save me when you going to take me please take me now please take me now i want to go i want to go. She kept saying they were going to take her and it started freaking everyone out a bit, then uncle munesh showed up n she started screaming again. It took a few hours b4 she would stop screaming and calm down, she stopped screaming but she was still out of it didnt move was super tired but she was afraid to sleep.
It was very hard to watch, all the women were crying and the men looked beside themselves n watery eyes but didnt cry.
I was starting to get a headache n kept praying that if God wants her to take her quickly and end her suffering, n if its his will to make her better to do so quickly and without much pain.
My family is very tired and emotionally drained, u can see it on everyones faces.

No 3 people are more stressed out than Me My Mom and My Dad in our family, because we still have to deal with the fact that IM still sick and going to be making some changes as well. We had a meeting on the 12th to see Dr. Chu for the results of my CT scan i got done a week b4 and to disscuss treatment options n my decision. Both my mom and my dad came with me, it was a meeting none of us were prepared for. Dr. Chu was very concerned, he looked anxious more than usual. He informed us that The cancer is growing very rapidly from the scan i had done about a month ago to now, the tumors have doubled in size and there are now many many tumors that have showed up without any indication and and not just show up but are quite prominent. He wants me on a new drug as soon as possible or my future wouldnt be so favorable. The trial drug he wanted me on has a wait list of 21 ppl that has the potention to be a very long wait. . . . . i dont have that time. So there is a drug that is lisenced in Europe and the US, legal but not yet lisenced in Canada called Yondelis. There is a 10-15% chance that i will respond positively to this drug and it could potentially shrink the tumors down or at least maintain the size for a while longer giving me a few more months. Its better than nothing at all. Dr. chu wasnt surprised that my pain was getting increasingly worse, he said according to the new scan it was 90% sure that most of it was caused by the cancers rapid growth. If it continues ill have a lot more pain to deal with which doesnt make me very optimistic about my future.
I have an IVAD insertion surgery booked this thursday at 9am and i start my first round of Yondelis on monday(they got the drugs approved and successfully over the boarder).
Ive never wanted a prognosis every since Mrs. Black told me never to get one because your subconcious can be a powerful thing and that only GOD knows the true day you die and our father will decide when it is our time to go.
Without thinking my mom asked for it, I personally am still pretty pissed about it, because b4 me and my dad could stop an answer from being said Dr. Chu answered it. Ill never get those numbers out of my head now. It royally sucks when you have someone tell you when they think only in their professional optinion strictly medically speaking when they think your gonna die and how long you have if your situation does not show improvement.
We are deciding not to tell the family due to the fact that everyone is stressed enough with my grama, so me my mom and my dad have been trying to deal with ALL our new found information and trying NOT to fall apart.

Im not scared of dying, but i am scared of not having enough time to live, to do what i want to do before God says my times up.
Someone informs you that you have 2 years, or 1yr, or 6 months, or even 4 weeks left to live, what would your priorities become?! what would you want to do before God says your times up and your coming home to heaven?!