August 11, 2010

So it’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything and for some reason writing just seems to be getting harder for me instead of easier. It’s probably been months since I’ve been brave enough to write a single word. The days, memories, events, they all seem to be blurring together. My memories is really foggy no matter how hard I try and sit down by myself and try my very hardest to remember what the hell it was I did two days ago. I can feel my body just getting weaker even if I do stretch, but I know that I should be trying a lot harder. Very few things make me feel good or happy these days. My friends have all finished another term of school and are going through summer at their summer jobs or family vacations or just made road trips with other friends.
I feel horrible because I’m so jealous of all of them they don’t even understand what they have. I’m so sick of being jealous all the time I’m so sick of being sad and depressed and alone and I’m just sick of being sick. They all get ready to go out n can’t figure out what to do, and I just sit in a corner and joke that I don’t have to worry because my wig is already styled. When inside in that silence of them getting upset because they can’t decide I’m crying inside because I wish I had my hair. I haven’t had my normal for 4 years and I’ve given up ever thinking that I will have it again. They all have a natural beauty and mine is just not real. I have to put on my hair, sometimes draw my eyebrows, have to use fake eyelash’s, and just to top it all off ill put on contacts just to make myself feel like I’m wearing a mask so maybe no one would notice it’s me. Maybe I could be anyone I want too in my mask when I walk around. It’s embarrassing having to go out it’s a lot of work for me too. But of course none of my friends or family members would know or realize or want to realize this. It makes it all too real for them! It’s my life acting and performing for all those strangers I don’t know and for all the people I do know and wish were strangers so maybe it wouldn’t hurt so badly.
I have a wedding coming up to attend not only am I attending but I’m in the damn bridal party, and yeah it may be fun but getting to this day is a lot more painful than I thought. The questions like who’s going to do your make up did you want our makeup artist to do it? My privates thought go crazy because I HAVE NO EYEBROWS OR EYELASH’S and yeah its completely embarrassing for someone else to know that let alone do your makeup. Without those basic features I feel completely and utterly bare and gross and ugly let’s just add being bald and that’s just perfect I feel even uglier. Then I had the lovely question of how the bride wanted my hair done (now she knows that I’m sick of course) and I’m just praying that it’s not an up do or id be in trouble, it’s near to impossible to get a wig into an up do. So bride wanted our hair down and if I wanted her hair dresser to do my hair, I told her that I would be wearing a wig and wigs can’t be done they just are what they are. She seemed to forget for a few min that I would be wearing a wig and didn’t have the knowledge that wigs can’t be fixed they are already styled and must be left the way they are, that was an awkward moment ha-ha.
It’s hard to feel pretty when I’m constantly bombarded with what I dont have and what I wish I did. Sometimes it’s doing my mom’s hair or my friends or cousins hair, and although I love doing it, it also hurts a little. It’s hard to admit that my boyfriend has more hair than me. My friends are all getting pretty excited about starting their school terms again soon at the end of the month and getting back into their programs. Something else I wish I could do comfortably, but that is not possible with having cancer and constantly changing treatments. I started once at school again and I was so happy I felt maybe I would be able to start my life again, my cancer decided to grow and I had to change treatments. Because of the change I also had to drop out and wrote an e-mail to MacEwan College for a refund because it cost a lot. I was completely humiliated and mortified that I had to drop out, I felt like beyond a failure and felt like I disappointed everyone. From that point on I felt that all I would be doing would be on my ass getting injected by poison and feeling like death so I wouldn’t enjoy most of my teen life.
I feel like I’m just taking up space my journey has been so long and harsh. Lots of people have cancer and have it for years and years, difference with all the stories I’ve heard is that all these people were in their 40s. I was 16 and got shot up with some of the most potent chemo’s out there and not one but 6 of them for over a year over 14 treatments. And when that didn’t work I got some more at the cross cancer institute and since I’ve been there I’ve participated in about 4 different experimental studies and the regular standard and 41 treatments of radiation and 1 major lung surgery. Here I am 20 and I’m at cross cancer institute not any better and as of August 4, 2011 having to find out that another treatment failed and I have to switch again.
August 4,2011 was the first time my boyfriend Ben came with me and my mom to a doctor’s appointment, only because I desperately needed a ride home after the appointment. Nonetheless he was there and it would be his first time meeting my doctor and one of my nurses, and I was nervous he’s never really been to the appointments. Ben and I have been dating just over two years now and he’s been amazing. Not that many guys would have stayed after hearing about their girlfriend having a relapse in cancer. He has been strong, brave, and courageous I’m shocked he stayed but humbled and happy that he did. He showed me that people like me could still be loved by others. But this can’t be any easier for me as it is for him, a lot of the times I feel like I’m just embarrassing him with the fact that I’m not working or going to school. Not to mention that It’s like a dagger every single time one of his friends asks me what I do or am doing, and I have to lie because we don’t want all of his friends knowing that I’m sick. Although I completely understand why I lie, It’s because I want to protect him, I’ve had a lot of different reactions from telling people that I’m sick I don’t want his friends looking at him differently because of me. I would hate myself if anyone pitied him for dating a girl and she had cancer not to mention we are each other’s first serious significant other. Then I hate myself because sometimes I feel like I have to lie because he’s ashamed of me being sick. He says he’s not and asks if I would feel better telling them the truth and I know I wouldn’t because then I would feel like they would be judging me. I’m pretty sure that I just have a serious mental issue with my cancer.
Anyway, He was inside the room when my doctor told me and my mom that my cancer had unfortunately grown by 20% and that the current treatment I had been on had stopped working. We would be stopping immediately and I would take 30 days to get the drugs out of my system so that I could hopefully start a different treatment, yet again. It hurt really bad this time and seriously scared me because the cancer had grown 20% in about 2 months time. I tried so hard not to cry in that room with my doctor my nurse my mom and my boyfriend. Once my doctor left I got left the room and went into the patient waiting room washroom and cried quietly for 5min. When I decided to get out of the washroom I still felt like crying but there would be people waiting for me. I came out and Ben was right outside the door waiting for me, and I was really happy he was there so I could just get a hug. He did really well for his first appointment but I felt horrible because it wasn’t exactly good news.
At the moment I’m terrified and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so scared and I don’t know who to turn to or talk to. Everyday I’m getting more and more stressed out the pain is just getting worse. I still have that wedding to attend next week and I’m so scared that I may have some trouble pulling off a good cancer free performance. I still have to buy a long wig hope it looks good and figure out what shoes I can walk in all day and stand in for a long time without being in lots of pain or falling flat on my face and embarrassing myself ha-ha. Also figuring out if the wig can hold flowers in it that would match the outfits. On a plus my hair is starting to grow back and I actually have eyebrows and very tiny eyelash’s but have to remove some facial hair ha-ha. I really hope I’ll be able to pull this wedding off it’s going to be a super long day and I really hope I can make it without taking too many pills.