I just cant sleep. . .

Its almost been a month since my family and I got the news about my grandmother. Its been tough, everyone loves her so much we dont want to see her go through cancer treatments at almost 80yrs old. Even my grandmother will admitt she doesnt want to get treatment and shes scared shitless of chemo from watching me go through it, which wasnt pretty.
But its still really cute, she is arguing with everyone that she ISNT sick, she doesnt feel sick nothing has changed and its just NOT possible. She goes about her days with a smile on her face and doing what she normally does with not much worry, and an amazing amount of humor!!!
She knows that she wants to go to Guyana and her flight is booked for March 1-18th and she is super excited to get out of Canada and back home for a bit.

Life the past month has been a real drag. The experimental treatment im on gets me super sick, like no other drug ive ever had. The first week of having this drug reminds me of my first dose of chemo ever!! Im in cycle 2 and each time ive gotten bed ridden sick. Not to mention I just found out that I get 1 week of a break b4 I start the next cycle. Its 2011 and I need a change, but with change everything gets very difficult. I adapt quickly its true, but I dont like change just like the next person doesnt. Its something unknown and the unknown is a scary place. I need to accomplish something this year or at least attempt to accomplish something, or 2011 will in fact be the year that I officially lose my will for anything. I didnt realize how tired, angry, sad, depressed, jealous, disappointed, exhausted, envyous, and just plain HURT this past year has been for me. One of my friends is getting married. . . SUPER exciting right!!! and another one is having her very first child and going through the pregnancy now. . . . SOOOO miraculous!!! and others are furthering their education and moving ahead in their carrers at the same time while balancing family and their social lives. . . . everyday people that make the world go round!!
. . . . . . Im so happy for them, so proud, so grateful that I get to watch everyone grow and move ahead and watch. .. . . .life go on, its amazing how the cycle goes!!
Your in school, you get to learn a little bit about the opposite sex and you go through flirting and dating and heartbreak!!! Then in highschool or college or in your carrer if your lucky enough you'll find love :)
And if it lasts and it feels right, someone will ask you to marry them, and they'll say yes (Val/Susi) :D
And in a few years time or whenever their ready and its possible, they'll start a family (Julie&Issac) :D
I hear all these wonderful things and im so happy! For some odd reason. . . . okay maybe not so odd but I always have to urge to look at my friends and ask the question. . . . ."What is it like?"
As in, what is it like to not be on hold, to be able to move on and go forward, go to school and stress out to the point you cry in the library surrounded by text books you dont want to read or in front of a computer writting an essay you dont know how too.
Whats it like to be in love and want to give yourself to one person forever no matter what happens.
Whats it like to be so happy with someone, you choose to take the responsibility to bring a life into the world and go through a pregnancy.

What is it like?

Now no one knows the future and that certainly includes me. And I dont know if ill every live long enough to be able to say I would marry someone. And the doctors say that I can never get pregnant and have a child of my own. . . .
But im here now and I can try my hardest to further my education, it might not be the way I would like to have done it, but I could try to make it work.
I always tell my friends and others that you'll regret never trying and always look back and say what if. So im going to try and take my own advice and at least try even though im so incredibly and pathologically scared that I am going to fail epically and forever scar myself, I need to try.
Is asking "What is it like?" completely patheic and depressing?