So Its been over 3 months since my last post and more than enough has happened between then. I had mentioned that I would have follow up scans on Oct 12 and results on Oct 22. Well I did the scans and on the 22nd got my results.
Turned out that the surgery only removed the legions that were not responding but didnt stop the spreading, they found small tumors growing again this time in both lungs not just my right lung and not only was it back but the cancer was infact more aggressive. So needless to say at that point the last thing I wanted to do was blog about anything or talk or just well do anything. I was numb again, I was starting to believe I was better and that the Cancer was gone, and it was just worse. My oncologist told me some of my options and I decided to take some time to think about what I wanted to do. I had two main options, So I had to choose between the regular treatment I was on or a new phase 1 experimental drug trial.
I spent the next week or two talking to my Mom and my Dad and only one or two of my friends that I am closest too. I decided to try the new phase 1 trial, although the study would have more side effects and was new and unpredictable I would try it, worse comes to worse I would just go back on the standard treatment. Since it was November by the time I decided, I asked if I could have November to myself, to feel good and be able to hang out with my friends and family since November is always a super busy month. Its always packed with birthdays, anniversarys and partys etc. So I would start a few days after my birthday the first week of December was the plan=)
So I made my plans for November and had some great plans too, A road trip on my birthday weekend with my boyfriend and his sister, her fiance and his brother to Canmore. About 4 or 5 birthdays were that month so a lot of outings for that and just parties and get togethers in general that month. November is always heckic!!!
Waiting another month to start treatment of course would have its risks, it would spread how far or where no one can know, it could metastisize etc. But I decided to take those risks. . . . . I was so nervous I always had the fears of waiting on my mind, But I knew deep down if I didnt take some time for me and to do what I wanted I would regret it even more. I prayed every night and during everyday wishing and hoping that some miracle would take place and when I went back there would be no Cancer.
A few days before the road trip Nov 19 or something I believe, the nurses from CCI called saying we had a problem. I wouldnt be able to start in December because certain things needed to be done on certain days and on those days the machines were down for their annual look over. So my option was to start in two days and miss my road trip or to start the first week in January of 2011 and postpone treatment another month. I wasnt even close to being ready mentally to start in 2 days time. So I took another risk and postponed another month, that way I could get my christmas and my new years and even have Decemeber for some fun with family and friends.
It would be 5 months without any treatment. . . . the risk is great but I did it anyway. I guess I was scared to get chemo again and just to feel like road kill and be disappointed again with no results would hurt to much. I started to have bad flash backs and dreams that were quite disturbing, to this day im still having bad thoughts of course not intentionally but its there at the back of my mind, im doing my best to push them aside and focus on the positive and whats good and the amazing possibilities.
The road trip went by and it was SOOO much fun had an amazing time in the mountains with my friends, it was absolutly gorgeous in winter time I would love to go again to see everything.
At the end of the month I got to relax a bit from all the november craziness for a week or so.
December was a very relaxed month, except for the part where me and my oldest friend Alycia Z. went to disneyland California together for 4days. I had so much fun it was so amazing, a little nerve wrecking at first because we have never done a trip just the two of us before. But it was well worth it, it was our dream vacation since we were 10years old go to disneyland just us and have a blast and its exactly what we did. Dec 8th-12th in Anahem, Cali. Christmas 2010 was very quiet and relaxed, no crazy parties or big deal stuff, it felt right just take it easy and relax with family and close friends. New years was the same as well, very chilled and lay back.
At this time I was preparing to start my new treatment and find out how the Cancer was progressing from the scans I would be doing in a matter of days. I did my scans and was prepareing myself for treatment and what ever news I would be recieveing. I had a lot of preping to do, lots of blood work and scans and physicals to get started and some teachings too.
Turns out the Cancer spread through out my lungs they found lots of little spots everywhere and a few big masses in certain areas. The thought is actually scaring me a lot and im not sure how im reacting to it. reguardless the next day Nov 13 I started the phase 1 treatment arm B on schedule. Chemo sucks and all but I have to admitt this one completely knocked me on my ass. Day 1 (Nov 13) was a 5hr chemo of two drugs that made you feel drunk so I basically slept the whole time which was nice, the first few days you dont really feel anything. Day2-15 I would wake up at 8:20am every morning and take my blood sugar level and eat a small breakfast and take a chemo pill 100mg BMS-####### and fast for 2hrs post, Nov14 I took it in the hospital to be monitored. Then Nov 15 on I was on my own, but the phase 1 nurses called in from time to time to check up on me. By Nov 16 I really felt sick, nausea up the ying yang, loose motions, stomach cramping, hives on my arms and legs, weak, tired, couldnt eat if I wanted too I would just through it all up. Everyday that went by it slowly got a little better but not by much.
Nov 20th I had follow up bloodwork and a check up my blood sugar was a little high but not high enough to put me on pills just yet. Later that afternoon they told me to hold on taking the pill, because they found slightly high liver enzymes in my blood. Im not completely sure what that means but the nurse said to wait until the next week when I would come in again for bloodwork and another scan and check up for them to tell me to start the pill. So the last two days I havent taken the pill and I feel pretty good. Im not at nauseous and I can eat a little more not as much stomach cramps and yeah the pill really does have an effect on me I was quite surprised.
The thing that worries me now is that the nurse was saying something about my liver breaking down or somthing. . . . . its freaking me out and I havent told anyone about it yet not even my mom knows. I dont know what that means or if that means I have to stop the treatment before I have even done 1 cycle yet. Or maybe my Cancer is worse than I thought, my mind keeps racing and my heart feels heavy with worry and im just scared really.
Not to mention I found out a few days ago that my grandma one that im close to might have pancreatic Cancer and we are all waiting for results to see if she is okay. Im starting to feel stressed and I dont like the feeling, depressed is one thing but adding stress and fear to it doesnt help at all. I feel worn out mentally and emotionally. Physically im tired and im weak in the past 3 weeks ive lost 17pounds and not by choice. My energy level is in the toilet and I can bearly manage to get through one day without feeling at worried and scared, like I have no peace.
I feel alone. . . . . I cant talk to anyone because everyone has their own issues. I feel conceided if I talk about my own problems or my concerns. No one could really advise me and I dont know if talking will even make me feel better. My family well, they tell me if I didnt have my head together how could they, so how do I talk to any of them without feeling guilty.
So I guess im just stuck alone. . . .. . .
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