Feels like nothing

As for an update to surgery status im A okay, The doctors say everything looks great almost like i never had surgery in the first place. I have more follow up scans at CCI Oct 12 and results Oct 22, and from that point on i will decide what happens next depending on results from scans or whatever is in my best interest.

As for my mental health, i think im screwed. Ever since i heard that i relapsed its been very hard to admitt that i have been in quite a dark place. The more time passes the more im finding out exactly how much of me is dead inside. I cant feel much anymore when it comes to good things. I dont feel like im cared about, I dont feel like im happy, I dont feel excited, I dont feel comfortable, I dont feel like this is my life, I dont feel safe, I dont feel normal, I dont feel love or care. If i spite someone i dont feel much remorse, if i say something without thinking i dont take it back. Its like ive lost a part of me and ive been searching for that part so i can be whole again.

I dont know what happened to me i dont know whats wrong or how to fix it. I dont know if ill ever feel better or feel anything good again. I find myself going through the motions of my life without actually feeling them or careing how they end up.
Even the people i hold the closest to me in my life i feel i can not talk to, or trust with my feelings. I feel like if i go to someone they will through me into some phyco ward for the mentally instable, or just think im stupid for feeling this way, or that im too simple minded bcuz its the simple things i want the most its the simple things that i want back soo badly and that i cant have it kills me everyday that i cant have them. The more days that goes by the more of me feels dead bcuz of it and the less i feel and the more depressed i become.
Its not like im extremely depressed, i always have my moments of enlightenment and cheerfulness. I remember how lucky i am for the things that i DO have rather than i dont. Or i get so caught up in a project that i forget about my pain for a bit, until its done and the feelings flood back into me.
For having so many people around, y do i feel so empty inside, y do i feel like im alone and i always will be alone and will go through life with these feelings alone.
Ive been burned so many times when it comes to trusting people, i dont let people in very easily now adays. Even the one person i want to share everything with, tell everything too, want to do everything with, feel like i have some sense of security, the one person i love the most i feel i cant trust.
I dont know if its because im scared or because of something else, but i find that ever since i was little these things dont come easy, and i tent to run when things come to certain points of pressure and im seriously past my normal amount and holding on with all i have not to run away.
I dont pray as often as i should anymore, but ive been asking for him to take this pain away from me. This hopelessness i keep feeling when hes given me so much, i keep asking him to take my selfishness away. I find myself feeling ashamed aswell everyday, that i want more, when i have a lot to be thankful for already!!
I realize im human and lets face it humans r a selfish and greedy race.
I trully just want to feel like i have a chance to actually live a life outside of nursing the disease Cancer.

What is it that you trully want in life?!?! At the end of it all what is it you want to end up with!?