Monday Aug 23 2010 1am

So I cant sleep and I havent written anything in sometime now.
Obviously I mentioned that I have a major surgery coming up literally a week from today. . I dont even know what time I have to go into the hospital yet.

In church today I went up during prayer time, while the whole congregation is in worship prayer teams come to the front and if you have prayer needs you can go up and they will pray for you. It took me about 10min to get the courage to drag my butt up to the front by myself and sit down with an old couple and ask them to pray for me that everything would be okay for my surgery next week. I dont like going up their because reguardless of why I go up I end up crying all the time and Im not sure why I do that.
So this time was no exception I did infact start tearing up no matter how much I try to hold it in. In church its the one place I feel safe like everything is going to be alright and someone is going to take care of me and looking out for me, I try to hide it so much that Im doing okay and that Im doing just fine and I can handle anything God has to throw at me. Truth is Im never okay anymore these days and I dont know how much more of this I can handle.
Anyway while I was with this old couple the woman asked me if I believe God will be with me and carry me throw this, it took me a while to answer because I didnt want to lie. But at that moment I believed whole heartedly that God will be their with me and help me throw this and give me the strength ive always had to get throw this mess I call my life. Of course im only human, and im still very scared about being cut open and having part of my lung removed.
I mean any fool would understand that a lung is vital part of your health and mine arent doing so good. Im scared for the pain and all the needles and tubes that are going to be involved in this operation.
I will obviously have an Iv line put in, and during the operation im gonna have a respirator and a catheter, and they are inserting an epidural. Thats alot even for me, ive never had anything done this big before. I really hope they only have to do the thorascopy that alone are 3 big "x" looking cuts under my arm, if they end up resorting to a thorocotomy during surgery I will be left with a 6-8 inch cut along my rib cage along the bikini line.
I already have soo many scars, and I really do feel like crying about any more I will be getting.
I have 3 scars along my chest, countless IV and PICC line scars along both my arms, allergic reaction scars. PTT scar on my leg, a biopsy scar on my leg, a biopsy scars under my right breast, the radiation scar that covers the back n side n a bit of the front of my left knee, the mositque scars I have from when I was ten, not to mention all the emotional and mental scars I have from this whole experience.
I already feel drained and cut up and like their is nothing left of me, yet they want to go in and take more, and more, and more, and more.
Ive been noticing that ive been in a lot more pain lately, my joints have been really achy and sore, when I cough my chest hurts, my right sides been paining me a bit but not too much.

I cant stop asking " What If ", What if : The surgery doesnt work, the cancer is spreading and I dont know it, surgery does work, the cancer does go away for good, will it come back, will these microscopic cells kill me from the inside out, I never grow up, I disappoint everyone I know, no one cares that Im already dying inside when im still alive. . . what if what if what if what if.
Thats all thats going through my mind the past few days.
Its like this surgery is some kind of sentence or at least Im treating it like one. I want to have as much fun as I possibly can the next week, but I feel as if im held back.
In your teenage years your life is all about your friends and your boyfriend and going out and partying and just chilling out. When you get older you starting worrying more about your family and spending quality time. Problem is I want so badly to be a normal teenager and want to focus on just going out and having fun, while my Mom would strongly disagree. As a teenager with cancer I know I have to try and get a balance of all three but I have yet to reach or find that balance, because my time is precious and I have to spend quality time with EVERYONE, so whenever i do hang out with anything I consider it quality time with them.

Then these thoughts just lead to more questions " What if ? " and its just one big vicious cycle I just cant escape.