Its getting closer

It is weird to say that i cant feel anything right now, its like im numb to what ever anyone says its strange its like i have no desire to talk to anyone or listen to anyone actually.
Everyone wants to do something so im working my schedule soo thin that i cant even breath. Then they want more and i have nothing left n they get into a hissy fit, n start whining about meaningless things. MOST of which are already in the past and they cant change it so it doesnt matter you learn from it or you talk it out get your closure and MOVE THE HELL ON!!!

I have no idea what i want. . . I have no idea who I am. . . . I have a slight idea of who I would like to be. . . . I have no idea how I am going to get there. . or if ill get the chance to get there.

I normally like to freak out about big procedures and such wayy in advance so when the time comes im strong enough to handle anything!!!
I didnt get a chance to do any freaking out. . . everyone was down playing everything i guess, it didnt seem to matter to anyone what i was about to go through except for my mom and my dad. It felt like everyone else was just curious and wanted to know information so they would be "in the know" instead of genuinly care about me and my well being.
So everyone decided to freak out all at once about me getting my surgery and what ends up happening oh right of course I END UP COMFORTING EVERYONE ELSE.

Now see when this lovely event happens im happy to finally know that they care and that they are actually worried about me, but then i feel like there is no room for me to ask to be comforted by them. I feel like only so many people should be comforted and in my case im not one of those people. Im kind of getting annoyed about it too.
I know the difference when someone actually asks me how im doing and how i feel about surgery, if they are asking out of care or just to be polite and show face!!!
When someone asks me out of care and i can actually feel that care it means a lot!!!
But when they ask i feel the need to protect them from how i really feel, because i know that they are scared to hear the answer and may not trully want to know the answer anyway. So i smile and say oh im fine thanks for asking.

No matter who i talk to, i can never manage to say how i really feel. . . .no seriously not even to myself because i dont even know if i have a clue!! I believe that God will get me through this and he'll be with me through the whole process. Now of course im only human n yeah im still nervous n embarrassed that i have to do this surgery.
I guess embarrassed would be a good word, i feel like a complete failure at everything including trying to beat cancer im pushed to get a surgery n i feel like its my fault for not fighting hard enough or its something i did to prevent chemo n meds from working.
Im not working, im not going to school, im not exactly winning my battle with cancer but deciding to do a bit of a dance with it, im weak, my energy is way down i fail at everything in life basically!!! Everyone is getting ready to go back to school or getting ready for their new job or are getting promoted at their new job. . . everyone is doing something and ill be stuck with cancer recovering or doing treatment n such. How is that a life!!

I still have so much going for me and i realize that!!! I have a family a mom and dad that love me and would do anything for me to just be gaurnteed a normal lived life. I have some amazing friends that really show they care n support me. I have amazing doctors and nurses and cancer sisters and brothers, and i have a great boyfriend who somehow manages to care for me even with all the baggage i have i will forever think that he is crazy but ill love him for life for what he gave me even if things dont turn out right between us.
Other than having cancer i have the rest of my health, i have cloths, food, shelter, GOD, material things. If i could just have a day in the life of a normal 19yr old that would be amazing to feel like a 19yr old to be a 19yr old.
We always want what we cant have, i find this statment to be sooo true ever since i was in jr high. You have short curly hair, you want long straight hair. You have cancer, you want to be healthy cancer free and normal. Your 35 with 2 kids and want to be a teenager again so care free!!

The surgery is getting closer and my mind isnt getting any less stressed, everyday someone is calling wanting to do something and im all booked up and i cant do anything about it. Im booked the next 4 days soild down to the T.