Is it all worth it. . .

Its funny how one min everything is completely fine and just so insanely blissful u never thought u would ever be that happy in ur situation. . . . n the feeling of complete crappiness can just spring up and blind side u!!

For a while i was really really happy in May everything seemed to be going well got good news from the docs a few months b4, i had a good time with my friends and my family, and treatments seemed to be going okay except form the ocational black out or two.

Nothing seems to go right. . . a few of my friends had actualyl completely forgot that i was sick n was getting mad at me at why i cant go out, and im pretty sure that i did that to myself. . But i didnt think that i deserve to be blamed for being sick n because im sick i cant go out so that makes me a bad friend. . .

IM FUCKING SICK I HAVE CANCER I GET TIRED AND WEAK N IM NOT NORMAL

and for some reason some of my friends dont understand that i guess. . maybe because i act like im normal and try to present myself as normal as possible they think i am normal. . . n when it comes down to the wire of being normal n proving it i kinda fall short. . . im not allowed out late, or out for day trips or weekend trips with friends or going swiming or even places with large amounts of people. . is extremely dangerous.

UHH i just want to be 19 i real 19yr old i want to be able to act like an 19yr old. I feel like im stuck at 16 n i havent ever gotten past it, sure i did chemo and school at the same time n i got my Diploma a little late so obviously i finished high school. . thank God.
But everyone is planning road trips n day trips n major trips traveling doing fun stuff just going out on the weekends n partying or having a bon fire. . . or LITERALLY just chilling out in someones backyard or house n just talking about stupid shit n making memories like that.
Those things mean most to me just being able to spend time. . . and because of my parents im NOT aloud. . . its either to late or its not decent or its not right or its not aloud. . .
I ask why im not aloud and its always the same answer. . . UR SICK ALORA YOU SHOULD BE HOME UR FRIENDS DONT UNDERSTAND. . .

I never really talked to my friends about if anything goes wrong what to do exactly or give them the numbers they need to call, but i really do believe that i have some friends out there that would look out for me and if anything went wrong they would do their best to take care of me. . . But ive never been given the chance to see what my friends can do for me, because my parents wont let me go that far or trust me to be on my own, because they think i cant handle it when i think thats pathetic because ive been handling myself just fine the past three years!!!

IF IM GONNA DIE IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS OR YEARS just. . . . just let me be who i want just let me have some fun let me enjoy life again. . . . I feel like im trapped by my own body by MY CANCER, now it doesnt define me but the fact that im sick seems to be controling everything what i do today or tomorrow or next week.

Now i realize that in order to get better i need to undergo treatment n painful side effects n emotional mental and physical trama. . . but sometimes i really wonder if its all worth it. . . i did ten months of it only to have all my hopes shattered by the words ur in phase 4 n ur have incurable cancer but u could live a long life u would just have to undergo treatment for the rest of ur life. . . doesnt that sound appealing!!!!!

This next statment might not even make sense, im so confused n frustrated that its even messed up in my head as im writing this:
Its like everyone wants something from me. . . Ohh stay strong u can do this, You'll get through it, God will heal you, Ur gonna get better, Ur my hero, Ur the most amazing person i know, Ur the strongest person i know. . . n im thinking to myself that this isnt what they actually mean this is them being scared shitless dont know what else to say n hope that if they say these things to me I may just believe it and get better and ill be alright n ill act like im alright and then THEY WILL BE ALRIGHT.
Like its going to be their personal gain of some kind. . its hard to explain, like because they believe ive inspired them, to inspire me which inspires them themselves, like ur ur own inspirer. They think about what i have to go through n realize that its hard but im strong n because IM going through it, they r reminded that THEY in fact will be alright!!!
Okay maybe that didnt make complete sense but its been on my mind.

I think i just need a break, I was really hoping to possibly get catch a breather and maybe even get my summer back this yr. But no i may have 3 more treatments with more tests with possible surgeries with just possible everything. . .
For the first time i was making plans ahead of time. . . .i find that if i get excited now a days its a bad thing because if its taken away from me im left with that heart broken kind of feeling for a while, everytime i get excited about something something has to go wrong or not work out or etc etc etc all because of the excuse im always feed "Im sick"

Its like all my problems r derived from other people, im always worrying about what others want what they need because no one can give me what i need or want. Sometimes i make it all about them and they make it all about them n well it will be all about them. . .
Ill admitt sometimes i feel a bit left out. . .like ok i know u have problems but it'd be nice if someone could find out what i needed or wanted or make an attempt to make it better. . .
I normally do a lot of little things for ppl they prob over look n dont think nething of it. . . but when its absent for a while they then realize how much it meant. . .

For example i would send out a good morning text normally every morning to most of my close friends, half the time i wouldnt get anything back from more than half of them, so i stopped for a while, all of a sudden i get texts saying things like "i missed ur good morning txt" "what happened r u ok? u normally text me in the morning" i mean seriously. . . it would be that hard to send a txt back?!

I just honestly i have soo much on my mind its like WW3 in my head, im arguing with myself about things i have no control over so i think its pointless to talk to anyone else about them!!
I know some of my friends say they wish they could sleep in till when ever or just sit at home n be lazy or maybe even just do nothing n have everything done for you 24/7 n think its a blast. . . . but i know if they think this they r also forgetting the fact that this is sometimes done for me because it has to be, because im tired weak and UNABLE to do somethings.
I wish i could just worry about school, finishing an assignment, or work, not getting caught if im playing hooky from work. . . Instead im stuck having to worry about death and life at the same damn time. . . I go through things everyday. . . like what ill miss out on if treatment doesnt work. . . if treatment doesnt work will death be painful. . . what comes after. . . will anyone even care. . . will anyone remember. . . will anyone do anything to change their life b4 it was to late. . . for those who did care what will become of them. . would i have influenced their actions. . .

I have written about these feelings b4 and I will probubly continue to write about them because they will always in some way be there. But ive never had this strong a feeling of wanted to give it all up soooooo badly, just wanting to throw in the towel n just scream enough is enough.
What about what i want for my life. . . what about what i want to do right NOW or tomorrow not next week or next month.

The next few weeks have been a real pressure for me, I have wedding showers to go to n a wedding that im IN this summer, now they might be ruined because i might have to undergo chemo treatments because they just never seem to end. I have scans next friday and what are the results gonna be, of course u hope n believe for good news, but what if its bad what if it just exploded what if it all came back bigger, and more mutated and it was to far along. . . . and even if it did show it was going down or disappearing i would still have to go and do 3 more treatments afterwards which takes basically my whole summer, how many more years of my life do i have to give up here for the persuit of HEALTH, or some kind of normalcy.

16, 17, 18, 19. . . . all ages that ive been through with having the scarest disease in the world. . the one that u can mention anywhere n they know that its something to be feared. The only thing i accomplished with those 3 years is getting my high school diploma. . . otherwise im almost 20 years old and i havent even started n i feel like ive lost so much that i feel like there is no point in starting at all or even finishing something for that matter. . .

What if i just want to be told that I CAN, instead of I CANT. . . . doctors and parents and family always tell me I CANT because im sick and its not possible. . . what if i just want someone to say that I can do something. . . That i can do something EVEN though im sick!!