Round #2

Okay so Feb 16-18 2010, first time on chemo in over a year and I think it went pretty well. I knew what to expect and ended up being more prepared.
Last few years made my stomach so strong that even on chemo I didnt throw up, which I thought was weird. I would of actually prefered to throw up because I know I actually feel better, The nausea was torturing me soo bad the anti-nausiants werent helping at all I think they may have made it worse. Its been so long and damn it felt weird to be that weak again. They say if you had a relapse and you go on chemo again that you sometimes end up more tired and more weak than the first time, but you do bounce back eventually =) I bounced back in about a week and a half, started driving after 48hrs haha. Every inch of my body was just really sore and uhh I was just in pain but im used to masking that pretty good. I serisouly need a hobby or something to do.

I feel like a complete idiot for being 19 and not in school not working, . . . . . my excuse . . . . im sick and now im just fucking tired of this cancer thing, I cant see it, I cant feel it, I know what it wants, im worried its getting what it wants, im mad its me its happening to again.
When you have cancer you dont just lose your hair and some weight, I feel like i lost so much more and it feels like I will never get it back. I always feel numb, sometimes not excited not happy not sad not anything like I have no heart im not human. Im just some creature that the devil wants to play with. I lost my independence and some of my pride and dignity, I dont just have to fight for my life but for all ive lost and want back and its soo hard I dont know if I can really bear it.

Its been three weeks since my first round of chemo, and I start round two tomorrow at 815am, ohh did I mention that my protocal says I have to stay at the cross for 7hrs for each day I get chemo which would be three days in a row. so 1hr of anti-nauseants and mesna and then chemo 1 chemo 2 then 1hr hydration mesna 2hrs of hydration 1hr of hydration mesna then go home in pain, and get up early and do it all over again for three days.

I feel like this is complete bull shit, im always having to walk on fucking egg shells around everyone to make them feel better!!!

Oh how are you feeling?!
- ohh im fine just a bit tired.. . . . . . . ..

When im thinking if you only knew how I really felt Oh my gosh you would shut your mouth and not say another word! Because the truth would be Im FREAKING tired and my body is so stiff i feel like a board and so weak I could fall over right now my eyes are burning from holding back tears from bone pain and my head feels like its going to implode into itself and im nauseated to the point of no return, and I would never say this because thats too honest for everyone and thats not what THEY want to hear!

Its suppose to be about me and I end up doing most of the work its ridiculous. Im stuck giving hugs and holding someones hand and telling everyone else im going to be okay dont worry, im going to beat this dont worry, its not that bad dont worry, its a piece of cake im used to it no worries, well i save money on hair products so its a total bonus no worries, mehh im okay just a lil tired no problem, dont worry be happy!!!!
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP. . . . . well sometimes anyway.

Put on a wig, put on some make up hide my scars and imperfections as best I can, so no one can compare to me, so everyone can feel better about themselves about being normal and healthy and well NOT like me.

I say im fine and im doing okay because I love the people around me and I dont want them to worry about things they cant change they cant help with things that they can do NOTHING about, its up to me to handle most things and its the truth people dont like to admitt.
Half the time I cant trully say I mean its going to be okay and im going to be fine.

Sometimes I need someone to protect me just sometimes I need someone to hug me like they mean it and well basically lie like I do and tell me its going to be okay and im going to get through this. . . . . . But I feel selfish for even wanting that.

I want to talk to someone but the things I want and need to say are just too heavy for any healthy person to handle or anyone healthy or not to answer.
Why me, why again, why now and not 40 years down the road, why does chemo hurt so much, did I do something wrong to deserve this insight, am I a bad person and need to be punished now before it gets worse, do I not deserve to grow old to live to laugh to love, why out of so many people in the world did I have to get cancer, why cant someone take this pain away from me, can someone make my heart stronger to get through this, what am I going to do with the life I dont feel I have, I know life is borrowed time but must I give it back so soon, I am greatful for what I have and what I have been giving but is it selfish of me to want to live longer than 19 years on this earth, must I lose my hair again, must I lose more pride and dignity and independence that I have already lost. Just why. . . . . .
I just want not to do most of the work, me have to reach out and contact someone who knows im sick but im still left with making the friendship work, do the comforting, make the promises, make everyone else feel comfortable etc

These are questions that go through my head everyday on an hourly basis but again thats something I have to handle right =) like usual.
Its pretty stupid once you meet someone and they find out you have cancer they tend to see the cancer instead of me and who I am as a person and not my disease, my illness my imperfection of genes. Many would argue that this isnt true but I know that it is the most honest fact ive had to deal with for three years. . . . . "ohh the girl with cancer". . . . lables can really hurt.
But I dont stay up at night thinking about all the people that call me that or think of me like that the ones that know me but see the cancer instead.

Round two tomorrow, this is supposed to be a bit more weakening so this isnt going to be fun. . . . . . But ill be okay, and ill get through it.