So its been a few days, me and my mom went to Fantasyland Hotel and stayed in the african room which was soo sweet i have to admitt it!! I havent been there in forever so it was really cool, and Lanie a family friend came and stayed with us. We went to the Jubilations and saw Good vibrations a dinner theater! was Amazing and loved loved loved it, it was incrediable and i enjoyed it soo much i would love to go again when ever i get the chance lol.

So just two more days of freedom then back again and i feel the insasne need to do this by myself and just deal with it. Can never really seem to make everyone happy and then that doesnt make me happy and well the circle goes round and round again.
My parents seem to be torn apart and well basically i cant do much of anything right at all, and well basically i feel like i just mess everything up.
Im not aloud to be sick or act sick and im not aloud to be normal or act normal or do normal things so what the hell am i supposed to do!!!

Im just in this numb mode, i dont know what to feel or what to do, like i have no life im not going to school im not working. I dont think id be aloud to go out with my friends or if my friends would even be around me. Truth be told i have no clue whats in store for me i have no idea how i feel about losing my hair again or losing my lunch. . . i have no idea if i am even gonna get sick in the first place, hell nothing might not even happen!
I dont know what i want i dont know what i need, i dont know anything. I feel soo invalid towards life itself its gross. I dont know whats gonna make me happy, lately ive only been thinkng about the bad things and truthfully been pretty negative, its extremely hard for me to actually be genuinly happy these days. When something nice or cool happens its even hard to show I really appreciate it, cuz i really do but im so numb i cant show it to the point where everyone else can see, half the time im thinking its just because im sick that anyone is being nice or considerate.

I have a lump in my throat i cant get out, a pain i can never get rid of and its so far down i dont know where it comes from. Thinking about the end, i just keep seeing the faces of Jessica, wizam, Mrs. Black, Aunty Lina, . . . Kayla. I can still see her laying there on the bed in room 8 of the stollery hospital. . still motionless. The blistering sound of silence as everyone waited. . . . literally waited for her to stop breathing for her chest to stop moving up and down every so slowly, I can feel her cold clamy hand in mine when i saw her to tell her i loved her and she was my hero the day she passed away. The room was dim to no light, everyone sitting quietly just reflecting on kayla. . .praying. . .hoping for some miracle to happen and she was would open her eyes and start breathing normally. Being scared of what would happen when shes gone, how would you make it through the next hour or day. I close my eyes and I can see every horrid thing i saw when i was at stollery, their funerals just everything.
It scares me! to think that i may possibly be next, it may be my end, death or dying doesnt scare me but knowing that im leaving people behind people that I love dearly! I hold so many close to my heart i cant keep up with everyone, but thats my fault i choose to see the good in most and hold onto that and let people into my life. . . . or maybe thats just what i want to think!
I couldnt tell the difference im sure, I dont think im a bad person for wanting to make everyone happy and having many friends, i have no brothers or sisters to bug me whenever they have a problem or run to when i have one. So i tried to make lots of friends so they became my family and i hold their opinion high.
How do you tell yourself its going to be okay, your going to survive the worlds most famous killer, Cancer, I have Cancer and i dont think to this day that ive actually come to terms with it. I most definately wasnt ready to hear. . . its trully in Gods hands, but medically speaking if nothing works maybe a year or so. Or even that the Cancer came back and it had metastisized.

Sometimes things seem to be going really good and everything seems pretty great and then ..... and then something just has to happen when you think you have some kind of stable ground, when you thought it just might be alright, someone decides to hate you all over again after having a pretty good week. Its crazy how things in our past come between what we want in our future, or whats coming towards us.

Something, theres always something, so much for having hope things would be alright for now.