A lil bit nervous

Okay so im less than 12hrs away from starting up the beautiful happy hour cocktails they serve for special people only!!!! at Cross Cancer Institute. . . .the name of this delectable goodness. . . .TADAA Chemo. . . .to be presice its I-fosphamide and VP-16 Woohoo!!!
Exciting right!!! haha yeah right. . . .
You'd think that after having this drug continuously for ten months id be used to it right, yeahh not the case exactly. I had it over a year ago, and honestly blocked out some of those memories on treatment.
I got the question "are you scared?" alot the last few days and especially today, trully im not and i dont know why a lot of people would be scared shitless. I guess ive had chemo before and i know to a certain degree what i have to look forward too. . . or not to look forward too.

Its been 18 long months since my last treatment of Chemotherapy. . . the only thing im nervous about is it my body can still handle that hit from the toxins. Yes my immune sys had built up a not but can my system actually handle being hit AGAIN after soo many treatments in the last few years.
I feel like im trapped in a house thats trapped in a tornado, dont know what on earth to is going to happen next. You could hit something, something big could hit you, you could come to horrible crash landing, OR you could hit nothing, and nothing could hit you and make a graceful landing after all that trama.

Im inbetween wanting people to be there, and Seriously not wanting people to be there. I understand support and everything, but idk what to expect tomorrow morning the only guild line i have is how incrediblie sick i got on the last time round on chemo.
The drugs got you soo incrediblie dizzy you had no choice in the matter about blowing ur cookies. Your head feels like its in a jar so tight you can feel the blood trying to pump its way through extremely constricted veins, your head pulses slowly. Your so dizzy, you open your eyes and everything is upside down or side ways or waysided and moving toward and away from you and scares you within a half of your life you'd rather keep your eyes closed and hope you stop feeling like your being spun round like a top. Every muscle and bone feels like its on fire sometimes and burn with either an extreme intensity or so suttle its bearly there but its always constant. The Neuolasta injection is one of the most painful side effects aswell Chilling joint pain in the phemor and pelvis area so much and intense you dont want to move a single muscle or risk bursting into tears because its so intense. Omg but the first week after chemo, and the constipation you get the first time is horrifying. Between the incesent urge to always throw up imagin the stomach pain when all the chemicals in your body NEED to get out but cant because the anti drugs sometimes cause constipation and it hurts like SOO much. You find yourself Running to the bathroom to throw up and then 2 seconds later have still while throwing up you find yourself in need of having a loose motion. Not so much fun. Oct 2007 after my first treatment I actually slept in my bathroom because i would bearly make it in time to throw up all my bodily fluids!!!

Those are only the immediate side effects im sure their are more but i just cant think of them right now since im still nervous!
But not excited at all to lose my hair again. . . .I mean yeah i dont trully mind but its a real bummer, I mean i just got my hair back the past 15months it started growing back again :) and all over again i have to sit there and little by little just run my hand through my hair and my hair would be left in my hand once i pulled it out. . . . having to be bald again. . . . not to incredibly happy about it, i was just liking the fact that i can play around with it. . . . i guess im gonna have to play around with my eyes and scarfs and wigs again =(

Well here we go, Nervous yes, scared no, auxiety yes, excited no, want to get it over with HELL yes, this is going to be interesting. . . . . what am i to do with a life that just seems to come back to chemotherapy treatment i dont want to feel like road kill forever!!!!
Uhh well tomorrow morning at 845pm i have an appiontment to blow cookies =)
woohoo