Fighting with shadows. . . . .

Speaking of moods. . . .. right now i could probubly say that i could burst into tears and want to physically turn into a puddle because i feel that useless.
I have so many things being thrown at me and then feel like im supposed to be able to do this that this is easy and IM SUPPOSED TO BE USED TO THIS. . . .
But like ive said to myself before that these things never gets easier with time, the more time you have the more time you have to think about it which just gets you more mad. But on the other hand with more time you also have more time to experience and proess those angers and work them out yourself.

Being told after years of fighting and that it may just be over. . . . . . .maybe. . .
I dont love that word something stuck in the middle of yes and no, why can it ever be a simple answer.
Pfft i know exactly what the answer is and they dont have to say it for me to know =)
The fact is . . . . i dont find something that works or spontaneously go into remission . . . . . . I dont have that much longer in the land of the living. This statement doesnt mean im giving up, but that i am aware of my toilet bowl of a situation lol
I have faith and believe that its possible and remain that way, i wont lie my faith is shaken but its still there.
Im not completely sure how i feel about dying. . . . I know that there is no shame in it, I pray there is no pain in it, I wonder whats waiting for me/everyone, I wonder what ill leave behind, will i have made an impression or have helped in anyway?!

Anyway besides that! Im left with a lot on my plate and i feel like there is so much expected of me and that i wont be able to deliever much. This time round its soo much and i really cant handle it all at once, not again, . . . . . just not again.
I just started university and i was soo scared and excited and just felt like AHHHH YEAHHAHHHHAHAHHA its one more step forward and being more normal!!!!!!!!!!!
. . . . . Two days later. . . . Ohh by the wayy just thought we would let you know that yeah your cancer is growing, 20% to be exact and we must pull you from your trial drug due to you are not eligible anymore because of the percent of growth. Um your doctor will be in next week from vacation and he will give you details on what to do next. Have another two classes of university wonder wtf im doing coming to class when i know im gonna propubly have to stop asap ne way yeah cuz its soo fucking easy to concentrate with that on your mind, Friday comes and we meet with my doctor right off the bat you know its not good, so yeah options as i explained in my last entrie, so im stuck with research by myself to do, school work that i have to finish on time, house chores, not telling my family the truth about several things in my life, having to make countless appointments with different doctors to get different opinions, and of course stress about what happens if i go back onto a more harsh chemo, dropping out of university, having my family and my friends find out im NOT okay by seeing me that sick, etc etc etc my list goes on and now i have a massive headach thinking about it.

Yeah my life is just easy!! Only child going to university. . . what could i possibily have to worry about right! Jeez if people even knew. Then again for normal people normal life is a pain in the ass too so what can i say my life isnt that much different i guess. . . other than the fact that i might have to plan my memorial yeah no difference really you can do that if your normal too you'd just be considered a freak.
Ohh dear God please help me the next few weeks!!!