2010

Sooo yeahh ill admitt im completely inconsistent with this blog thing, im starting to wonder if this really helps me or not. Its been a rough few months and i mean rough. . . . just didnt know what to write about. Just those times you have when you want to do something know you should but just cant bring yourself to do it because you feel "whats the point!?"

It took me almost 3 months to see what the point is, and for me i realized that its something that i know i should but have too. This isnt just for fun or to let people out there know what its like to be a girl like me, but to help keep my sanity...well at least thats my answer for now.

The past few months have been more than nerve wrecking, but have included everything from complete bliss to sheer soul shattering. 2009 has most definatly been a year of denil, everything I managed to do this year was shadowed by dark thoughts even when I was happy.
The scarest thought that everyone fears a person like me could possibily think or decide. . . . .it is simply to GIVE UP THE FIGHT.
For the last 3months was what i had struggled with, the emornity of it all takes its toll and every now and again will sneak up and grab me without knowing its there. The thoughts of Giving up and just letting go of everything i held on too. . . . . .it just seemed soo easy. It sounded and thought and felt like it was the simplest, most logical and more importantly just EASIEST thing to do. . . . . . .Give up. . . . . .Just let go and Give it all up.
Lamest way i could put this, i felt like i was a pen with no ink, i was disfuntional i was no good i was no more i was usless. For months i felt like this. . . "whats the point" was my motto, i gave into what was easier because i felt there was just no point. I had disappointed myself to a point i couldnt believe. . . . .I gave up on myself!! and not even myself i gave up on everything, all my relationships family and friends, gave up on the prospect of a future at all, gave up on plans that were made that very day or even the next day.
Every person out there illness or no illness feels like this at some point in there lives most likely several times in there lives maybe their entire lives for a matter of fact. But its you that has to bring yourself back, of course it varys for every person it could take hrs,days,months, or even years.
I would normally only have days likes this and snap out of it by the end of the day, this time found it took me 3months for me to find something that brought me back. I thought it was the most perfect thing in the world too, well for me haha.
One afternoon i was getting ready to go out for the day even though i felt like there was no point, i had my back to the mirror and i turned around. I saw my tattoo that i had totally forgotten about, MY MOTTO the one i promised to live by and try to understand as i grow in my life "Only Fear A Life Unlived" now for everyone this could mean so many different things depending on how you really see those words.
One good look and i found most of myself again, "Only fear a life unlived" to me it means my world, it means live everyday like it were your last, look for something that scares you and FIND it and get over and OWN that fear, it means not to forget what you already have and not to look at what you dont have and what you want.
I realized in that moment that the last few months i forgot about everything, i took everything i had for granted yet AGAIN as we humans tend to do every single day of our lives.
It was the fact that i gave into what was easier than doing what was right and realizing what was right, i took the easy way and i kept it all in, i shoved it down so deep i couldnt attempt to find it.

Sometimes the easiest and simplest solution is not the right one. Taking the easy way out teaches us nothing of worth but how to cheat ourselves into a temporary success.

If life was easy, we wouldnt learn anything. . . . .

Its so easy to give in, when you feel at your most vunerable in your life. You feel alone, like everything is utterly impossible, why you , and for heaven sakes why now at possibly the most crutial time in your life. These are the moments i think we learn the most from, we only realize this when its over, because before its even begun you didnt even try you already gave into the thought "whats the point?!"

Its this time when you have to dig real deep and i mean REAL deep, come up for air and take a few moments just a few moments and think really hard about what you have!! I had my family, my mom and my dad and my realitives no matter how disfuntion and how screwed up it was i had them i knew them they were there, i had a few really good friends who ive shared so many wonderful,sad,angry,content memories with, i had my health. . . . okay well somewhat hahaha i wasnt soo sick that i needed to be in a hospital and stay there, i had my strength, i had shelter, i had cloths, i had food and water, i had a few extra bucks, i had all the luxuries in the world i still hav all the luxuries in the world. And i realized how obnocious how selfish how completely blind i was AGAIN to have taken all this for granted, sure everyone has a few rough patches but somehow we manage. We have a lot more to be happy about than we probubly do to be sad and angry about, we just havent realized it yet!! like i said sometimes you have to dig REAL REAL REAL REAL REAL deep to get here. Will it be easy?!??!? HELL NOO. Will it be hard!?! HELL NOO, IT'll BE RIDICULOUSLY HARD LIKE RIP YOU APART HARD. But thats the moment, thats when we grow, thats when we have to pull ourselves together and NOT take the easy way out thats when we have to face our worst fears and OWN them as our own and accept them. We have to do the hardest thing at this point and admitt to ourselves in the midst of all our taking for granted selfish selves "because we cant get what we want when we want it and we want it now" thats when you have to admitt that. . . . . your going to be okay, its going to be okay.

Life has a funny way with teaching us amazing lessons, trick is we see it as life hating on us so bad it makes us give up on life itself. The lesson, personally i think its growing and learning. When life throws you a curve ball and you think you have a handle on it and it smacks you down so hard you dont know what direction even is! Its then that you have to (grow up) and realize that its just an OPPORTUNITY for you to (learn) and trust yourself.



If life was easy, We wouldnt learn anything. . . . . . . . .