Days like these dont make you only remember those that died for our freedom but all those who died and we knew at one point in our lives that have affected us in some way.
I remember my close friends the ones that REALLY knew what it was like to be seriously ill. The ones that you could talk to and they understood everything and you werent going crazy or fourtune cookie on anyone.
Kayla, Jessica, Wizam, Denis, Lina. . . . I miss them with all my being, and only wish that i could talk to them again but i guess that is pretty selfish of me. Im sure everyone wants to talk to them again, see them again, hear them again, just be with them.
Ive had 4 treatments so far with my new drug and the side effects remain minimal which im greatly thankful for but worried that if i dont feel anything . . .is it working??? Im so used to feeling run over and run down by drugs that i figured if i feel that bad something must be working! This is a whole different season in this ball game for me! I took my first scans mid of last week and are waiting for results.
I want nothing more than to talk to those who understand what its like to be sick, most are gone and others block it out completely because they're journey is over.
I wouldnt dare talk to my 'normal' friends about the things that i want to. Of course they want to help and of course they are curious as to what it feels like to be sick and 'special' and not 'normal' anymore. I know that deep down they trully dont want to know because of the fear that comes with that knowledge. I also know that in order to protect them from more pain, I can only reveal to them what i know they might be able to handle, the things on my mind no 'normal' person would be able to imagin comprehending the information!!!! I find most times that IM the one walking around comforting everyone else around me, only because i feel an obligation to protect them from pain and harm. I still have yet to find someway to comfort myself. . . . i find myself searching for the pieces of my faith to put then together again. Ive been numb for a long time and i dont know when ill get my usual feelin and emotion back again.
Two years of fighting, two years of hoping, two years of praying for some kind of miracle and im left with more fighting more hoping and more praying for some kind of miracle.
Im worried not for myself but those around me, i know they feel the need to also protect me but i know when they are curious when they are protecting me and when they just dont know what to do, and i dont know what to tell them either. I have few moments of complete and utter joy and happiness that i hold on to them so tightly i leave room for nothing else in my life, all i want to do is create more memories and more happy moments instead of dwelling on sad and maddening memories.
What do you do when you feel like there nothing left of you to take, to waste away, like your naked and only skin and bone? all you want is to be invisible to those in the 'normal' world.
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