Sept 9, 2009

You'd think by 18 you would know who you were by know, and that you would be able to stay true to yourself. . . . .
I have noo idea what to think or do, im in awe at how much i dont know. I dont even know who i am ne more, im sure of nothing. For a person who used to know everything in her life, i just got sent back to the stone age so to speak. I look in the mirror and see almost nothing, i see someone whos lost and looking for something that just cant get hold of it.
Im so unsure that im scareing myself stupid, literally, im like retarted in everything i do now a days. I go into space or something and have to say im so sorry but i totally missed that!
I dont even know what im looking for, this is the longest ive ever been down before. Ive always been able to get out of my funk within a few hours at the MOST but to have this for days is just worrying me even more.
I feel im doing nothing right, as i keep getting reminded by my over protected mother WHO i love i do but like every child and their mother im severally annoyed. Apparently im not doing nething right to her high standards, ive heard a lot with my mom but never this much!
Of course the usual, ur not eating right and u need to go for more walks and less friends more home time but never have i heard Ur not listening to the right music, ur nothing wearing the right cloths, ur not sitting properly, ur not driving right, ur not standing right, ur not talking correctly, ur not decorating ur room right you have no imagination at all, you can park better than that. Im going crazy inside i dont even want to see my mom even though i love her to pieces shes done everything for me but seriously i dont need this critisim at all its digging me deeper into this depression infested hole i find myself swimming in.
I try to make it all better by the end of the day but i still feel utterly stressed to the limit i know i wont be able to take ne more, one day ill talk to someone and im just going to go mental freakzilla on them and feel horrible!!!!!!!! there is soo much to do i dont know what to do next, im trying to sort it out and make everyone else happy and compensate to everyones needs and now im just like WTH about me what am i doing to myself i think i actually need to put myself in a time out or something im so mixxed up its sad trully!
This whole relapse thing threw me for a big spin and im just trying to balance out but everyone round me is falling to pieces and i dont have the strength to hold neone together this time but myself. I couldnt imagine what would happen if i feel apart, what would happen to the others. Like i said to soo many others, i made last year look like i was perfectly fine and i just missed school they probubly thought i was a lucky son of a bitch for being aloud to ditch school. Oh my God, how i could only imagine the thoughts of others. It was my fault for making it look so damn easy, it was my fault for making it look like nothing was wrong that last year was a piece of cake and that last it was no worries so therefore this year would be the exact same!
OHH how i disagree, this year i refuse to pretend any longer my heart cant take it, this year im going to show everyone wat its like to walk in my shoes im gonna give everyone an opportunity to come with me while i take treatment to the events i talk at to the fundraisers i intend to plan for Jessica's Wish foundation. But of course ill do it in a nice way =)
I feel like i have the world sitting on my chest, it just feels heavy and its hard to breat it gets so over whelming and part is because im keeping my emotions inside and im trying to find something i can express myself with but havent found much yet except for blogging it helps a bit. I thought i had cryed all my tears last year and its soo hard for me to cry now a days i always say it could be worse ill pick out something beautiful from the situation and just feel good again. I find myself not crying but definatly watery eyed, oie im so close to my bursting point and idk if it'll help me or if it will break me.
I feel obligated to show my so called 'strength' to everyone by parading around with a smile on my face and up beat and blah blah blahh, but i just cant seem to stay smiling. That fact just makes me feel like im failing everyone that expects me to be okay. How do you hold urself together so those round you stick around? Yeah my friends and family tell me to stop thinking of everyone else and focus on me, i feel selfish just typing that statment i cant do it i just cant. Making people happy is like my life almost, if i cant continue to do that what on earth am i good for! They say its easy, for me its not, i love how some say that i know how you feel and i know its easier than it sounds. NOO ITS HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS MUCH MUCH HARDER!!!!!!

Anywayy, went to CCI today for lab work, did that then went to see Dr. Chu and Margo (nurse) for a little bit about the drug blahh blahh and turns out the drug isnt in yet and they still waiting but they should get it thursday or friday and im scheduled to go in for treatment at 2pm friday so idk what happening with that. Not to mention ive only had this PICC line for a week and its been driving me CRAZZYYYY and soo irritating, so i asked for the nurses to change the bandages and turns out that the rubber tube was cutting me under the tape and tearing my skin where ever it touched so my skin is insanly sensitive. So we re-bandaged the line this time more compacked to one spot and trying to heal the rest of my arm wher my skin got torn up by a dinky rubber tub!
Some people look at it and say ohh well that doesnt look so bad! ID LOVE TO SEE THEM LIVE WITH A TUBE STICKING OUT OF YOUR INNER ARM AND BUGGING THE CRAP OUTTA YOU FOR ONE DAY!!!!!! It doesnt look that bad God people can be so friggin ignorant, to the point where i say your just to ignorant for me to actually say anything too.
Obviously not having the greatest moments of my life at the present time, BUT like i always say it could be worse and i should be happy and very grateful for all i have already. . .