Shattered, but somehow still here

Well since our Aug 6th meeting at Stollery we got a call from Dr. Chu's office at Cross Cancer on Aug 11th telling us we had an appointment on Aug 12th at 1:20pm. So we got there at 1pm just to be safe and did some early paper work and history updating blah blah blahh all that boring normal jazz.
In total we were at the Cross for 3 and a half hours we didnt get out until 4:30pm it was rediculous but i guess it was necessary. Theres something about ne news that i get from the hospital that makes me itch and when i get results whether its good or bad i want to get out of that small confined private room as soon as i can. Its like another cage i'm in that i'm forced to think about whats wrong with me when i feel fine and you have to take someone elses word for it that your sick.
Things are much different at the Cross so far the weirdest part is having them actually talk to me directly and not my parents, i didnt realise how much of a blessing it was not to be talked to directly by ur doctors. For the second time ever, when i was listening - getting the news- i was blanking while they were giving information, and i was trying my very best to focus but i just couldnt hack it. That weird in and out of conciouseness feeling isnt the best, it was a little nauseating to tell you the truth.
Not the best news in the world, but im happy with my blessings that i have! I have great doctors that are passionate about their work and care about their patients, that modern science has created new and more improved drugs, i have family and friends to support me and i also have my health . . . . .well so to speak. I mean i feel fine except for being a little for weak and tired i feel good, breathing fine, eating fine, moving fine, i feel ok except for excess tiredness etc.
They basically told us because my Cancer has reoccured even after harsh 14 sessions of chemo and 41 treatments of radiation and that didnt kill it, that my Ewing sarcoma is classified as INCURABLE one word that i NEVER thought id ever in my wildest imagination of this disease hear from my doctors i dont even know how to take it really. My Lung mets are slow growing and not rapid and not even a centimeter big, amazing how something so small has the biggest affect on your life. I pray with all my strength that i have left that if we decide to do the experimental treatments that it works. There is no other standard for ewing sarcoma everything is experimental and just in drug trials, but for now that is my only hope for future survival and i cant believe that i'm at this stage.
I trully believed that i was healed and i was getting ready to through a big ONE YEAR REMISSION party and as for the past few years everything that i plan big gets shattered into a million pieces and i feel like everything i touch i ruin or would eventually destroy.
The trial they told us about would be for a year the company would supply the drugs but i would have to undergo many excessive blood tests because its on trial i need to record everything on ur treatment for future use of it. I dont like thinking id be a lab rat for them to try out new drugs on for the future human patients of this demonic disease disater.
I wanted to scream and yell and through the biggest tantrum in the world, a tantrum for all those times i didnt when i should of, for all the pressure im under for all the shit i had to put up with during treatment and those lame waiting periods having to go through the torture of bearing everyones faces and emotions when i tell them that i have cancer again and that i'm sick. This time around i'm not as strong i can handle a lot and believe me when i say i am not going down with out fighting for my life with my entire soul. That moment i wanted to find something breakable ne thing and just smash it to bits, watch it shatter because i felt my life shatter at the same time everything going in every direction and no way is up or down left or right.
It feels like u just jumped of the high board with a knot in ur stomach, u jumped so ur anxious to hit the water, u finally it the water but you panic as to wat u do now, ur fumbling underwater twisting and turning for air for a direction some kind of sign as to which way is the right way and you cant see nething its pure emptyness and ur struggling now for air u want it more than nething the thirst for it is unbearable and you cant wait ne longer. . . .
Thats how i feel, traped under water, no way is the right way and i'm struggling for air for anything pure.
The drug trials are all mostly long term, but the chemos are apparently tolerated very well, you dont even lose your hair or get that much nausea on it, but i have to remember that its different for everyone and no one will have the same experience as anotherl.
I can see this being a major stress in all my relationships in my life with family and friends, Its always their at the back of my mind, because im jealous of them, and i'm not a jealous person! At least i dont think i am, most are the pictures of health and energy. While i yearn for that health and carefree life and that energy it just wasnt meant to be for me, but that doesnt make it ne easier when i see my friends all the time and i have that thought in my head and i;m trying not to become bitter about it.
But its getting so much harder with the more bad news i get. I dont think i could of gotten any worse news so i guess i really is up from here unless treatment doesnt decide to work. . . . .
I feel like very thinnly spread butter over too much bread. . . .
I'm shattered. . . . . .yet im still here. . . .