Denial

August 6th 09 12pm
theres something about that inner instinct that always seems to be right. Like our sixth sense of some kind that lets us know something just isnt right or someone bad is about to happen.
Turns out that the lung mets are reacurence of ewing sarcoma, Ive had a relapse in my Cancer journey.
The doctor explained that because i am 18 years of age they cant treat me anymore at the stollery hospital and that my entire medical history and file will be sent to Cross Cancer where apparently i am goin to be treated from now on.
So i have to leave my cancer friends and my memories at the UofA and start again with a fresh cancer journey at the Cross Cancer institute "this sounds like so much fun don it".
Im obviously in denial about it, i have no feeling or emotion i feel almost hollow like theres nothing left of me to ruin, i just feel like damaged goods and will forever remain damaged goods.
I dont understand why this must happen to me let alone anyone for that matter, i wouldnt wish this termoile on my worst enemy, no one deserves this pain. This time around i'm not sure how much i can handle i'm still weak from my first treatment and ive noticed that ive been feeling more tired than normal.
Thats the part i hate the most other than being alittle tired, I feel perfectly healthy, . . . . . how could i be this sick if i cant see it thats why its so hard to believe and understand it. Once again i feel like im being held in one place stuck in time watching life around me continue.
When your a teenager and things go wrong it feels like the end of world already, with regular teenage drama and add a serious life threatening disease and you feel like your life is over right before you eyes. How i manage to pick up the pieces of my shattered life AGAIN i have no idea. I may only be 18 but i lost my innocence and ignorance a long time ago.
My mind is harbouring in denial to protect me from my truth. I want to scream and yell a million things yet somehow the silence speaks everything for me, for a girl who normally always has something to say, im at a complete loss of words.