Deep breath before the plunge

July 28th 09 (My aunt Savi's B-day),
had my lung biopsy finally after two cancelations from broken down CT machines which just sucks because the stupid waiting game is just prolonged. It was more painful than i thought it would be i just stocked myself up that it would be painless and just like my leg biopsy, the pain completely blindsided me.
Four needes to administer a local freeze, then two bigger gage needles to get to the mass in my lung, kept having to breath in and hold my breath for them to get the needles in direct contact with the mass or they would just be poking my lung needlessly. Once they got to my lung and i held my breath just right they would take the needles and wiggle them to tear off a sample big enough to send to the lab so they can hopefully find out whats goin on with my lungs. Like once wasnt enough they took two samples which was i must admitt excrusiatingly painful and coming from me says alot! After last year i have a very high tolerance for pain!
I was told that results can take from ne where between 3-8 days to get in, and i get my results August 6, 09 which is probubly why i'm blogging today.
i have to admitt that i havent been this nervous for a long time, my stomach is in my throat and i heart feels heavy with worry. I hate admitting this because i had being a downer and a worry wart. I just wanna be running around and declearing that ( I'm making Fear My Bitch for the rest of my life).
They're are very few things i fear in life, I fear God, I fear Negativity, I fear the death of humanity-virtue-truth and faith, I fear being sick once again. . . . . .which brings me to my biggest fear of the potential life that would be taken away without choice.
ONLY FEAR A LIFE UNLIVED - I pray everyday that i live up to that statement.
I have this crazzy insanly and stubbornly nagging desire to just get up and go see the world and experience it in all its awe, but my body i can feel is weak and isnt the same after treatment i dont have my old energy even though i try to move round more it doesnt help.
I have a fear that is gripping my very soul, that the answer im givin tomorrow might break me.
But i know that God doesnt give a person more than he or she can handle, I have faith that God is with me and watching me and will never leave my side and guide me. He has given me my life and blessed it with riches priceless to all the money in the world.
I want so badly to speak to someone who would understand but at the moment i have no one that could just listen without telling me what i should do or how i should feel.
Not my parents, not family members, not my therapist, and especially my friends none could begin to imagin the emotional torture Cancer does to a person, if i had a choice i would take the physical pain of treatment a million times over to not go through one lifetime of emotional and mental strength it takes to hold on each and everyday.
Sometimes i wonder what impression i have left in this world, afterall once we are dead and gone it is our impression that is left behind.
I know that all i'm trying to say with this entry. . . . . . . . . . . is I'm Scared.