Broken hearted

Its true that people like me, people who are seriously sick can pick out some beautiful out of the most dismal of situations. Well i still can pick out the beauty, but i dont want to believe that beauty exists for some reason.
Im feeling the same emotions i felt the first time around my journey, this time the walls seem to be closing in round me a lot faster and seem to be more overwhelming. I dont know which way is up or who to turn to or if i should turn to ne one at all.
Ive spent a lot of time with family and friends these past few days just enjoying my moments, and making my memories because i know that in the end memories are all i will have left. I look at my friends and family and i'm laughing and smiling on the outside as everyone is used to seeing me, while i am tortured, torn and my heart feels like an entire jungle trampled it. . . . . . . .shallow beats that i can actually feel while doing nething from the pressure of holding my own.
My heart breaks a little more everytime i make a memory. . . . .when i laugh with someone hug someone just sit beside someone, my brain sets off alarm in my whole being. . . . . .just reminding me that i dont know how much longer i may have, but my heart tells me to stop worrying and cherish what i have in front of me and the memories that are being made.
I feel selfish for wanting to tell everyone, . . . . . . . .only because i know that everyone wouldnt know what to say to me and would be sad but i feel i need everyones support now more than ive ever needed nething in my life.
I'm broken hearted and hate myself for causing peoples anger/saddness/sorrow/tears/fear! I feel its my fault that everything around me is falling to pieces in front of my eyes, i'm faced with the reality that i am and will possibly always be sick and will forever have to pretend to everyone that i am fine that i am strong that i can handle it that there is no need to worry.
I feel i disappointed myself, my friends, my family and worse of all my parents. . . . i thought i was better i thought it was gone i thought id never have to feel so torn between two worlds again.
I cant focus on nething that is trully important, i feel no need to worry about school, my future i feel the need of urgency and rushing because i feel pressed for time. I dont think ive understood yet just wat is going on with my life just yet, i dont think i'm ready to admitt that im really . . . . .really sick and that i may never get better.
Im broken hearted that i cant be with the people i want to be with, without causing trouble or without them understanding just why i need someone or neone to just hold me . . . . . because . . . . . . . . i'm scared i'm really scared. . . . . . .
This is as close as i get to being held by neone, because when people r around i feel the need to protect them . . . . . . from fear from saddness from the hoplessness that i feel.
I wonder if ill ever feel protected again, because i know that no one can protect me this time not neone but God. Not anything but my Faith but my Love for my family, friends and my life.
I'm only 18 years old. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to most this is when ur life begin.
I'm taking it not day by day but by every minute in every hour in every day.
Its hard to say what i need to say, i still have trouble with finding the words, its a feeling of fear so powerful that u believe it is not escapable. . . . . . . . . . . . because it isnt.
I wish someone could understand, i pray that my family and friends are patient with me, this time round i dont think i'll be able to keep smiling for much longer i dont know how much more strength i have to protect my broken heart.
I stare at my friends jealously even if they r in pain or in a difficult situation for themselves, i prayed that one day i would have that health again, where i dont cause people problems . . . . . . . . .where i dont cause people to be sad or to be scared or to be speechless.
What makes me soo special to have received this blessed burden twice in one life. I guess God just loved me that much more right haha.
My heart may be broken, but i will always remember why its made whole again by the end of the day.