July 9th 2009

After almost 4 months of waiting I finally got my results. My scans for my leg looked great my leg is getting better and healing nicely!!
On the other hand the doctors dont understand that why. . . . . . . . my lungs are getting worse.
The spots on my lungs from 3-4 months ago have grown and they found several more spots appearing. They can't confirm it is cancer until a biopsy and certian other tests are done, so i have a PET CT tomorrow and a biopsy on the 28th of July 2009 from the 16th -23rd we will be in Hawaii.
This time when i was told i may have had a replase it somehow in my mind made a little sense for some strange reason i couldnt even begin to explain how that happened. Then i was Angry and Mad that i was going through this trama all over again, mind you this time i had experience, but even all the experience doesnt make it less hurtful. I could just smile and say ok what do we do next, after being angry i felt . . . . . . . . . .nothing like a complete void of emotion like i wasnt even human i needed no words i needed to comfort. what i did need was an escape. I had this emense desire to just run out of the unit just to be out of the unit like i could get away from the thought of cancer from taking one step out of the unit.
My thoughts being to work against me after about an hr of being told the news, i began to actually picture in my own mind what it was like to have small tumour like structures growing on your lungs. My mind would go to worst scenerio automatially as it is human nature to do so. I began to envision the tumours grow in size to the point where they were fusing together and forming one large mass and basically collapse my lung.
Then i just felt like air was out of reach even though i had no actual strains on my chest.
Its funny how a single moment can affect how you look at your life and u c ur life as soon weird experiment of crul human testing of ones will power.
I mean how would me and my dad break the news to my mom, she out of all of us would take it the hardest and probubly wouldnt be able to stand it. How or should i tell neone of my friends or family about it. How is this goin to affect my relationships with them, how will this affect my schooling again, how will this affect my body, how can i handle chemo again without doing it for soo long.
I'm already soo weak from the lack of estrogen and progesterone in my body how can i handle chemo destroying my engery as well! there would be nothing left