Fear of the Unknown

Everyone has felt it, that deep breath before the plunge. That moment of truth after so much preperation. Risking it all feeling and in that moment of giving in completely theres freedom.
But until the moment happens theres this all to real gripping fear that just holds you in your place. For the past few years my life has been stuck in that fear phase. This is the most mixed up ive ever felt in my entire journey. Most days i dont believe that i went through treatment that it didnt really happen it was just some extremely vivid dream that occured. Its hard for me to think of myself as a survivour of anything let alone Cancer.
How do you avoid the subject that you may be sick again, everything i do is always being affected by hospital stays, hospital appointments pills situations blah blahh. The hardest thing is to be with my family or friends and hold it together like everything is fine and i'm healthy and fine and not sick. I want to tell them but i fear that if i do ill be treated like a china doll again like i'm gonna break and that i cant do nething fun.
Ive tried to get out of this stuck place ive been in for years and now i'm just in a deeper hole and i have nio direction. The ones i'm honest with i can see them avoiding the subject the whole idea all together, and i dont blame them. Its sad to have the knowledge that no matter wat happens they will never trully understand, they will never know wat to say they will never know how to act or what its like to live a life controlled by cancer or any serious illness.
I feel everything and nothing at the same time, i care and then i dont, im happy for all i have and am givin but i'm angry about wat i missed out on and what i may miss later, i'm jealous of my friends who are pictures of health while i look like on the outside i may be seriously ill still, i'm torn by the desicion if i should tell my family and friends the results of my biopsy or just keep it a secret.
The fact that everything in my life is left on hold because of a suspision of cancer is the thing that bugs me! At least i finished high school but i would still like to be able to start post secondary like everyone else instead of being held back again.
Not to mention that im 18 now and id be handling all of my hospital affairs at the cross cancer institute no less! How does someone come to terms with the fact that their life may be taken before their time.
People say that things get better with time, i'm one of probubly few that dont believe this, things get better once a difference perspective is achieved from experience, the more time you are givin the more you time you have to think about what you lost. I lost my inosense my "inner child" my fear of stating my opinion, just staying quiet and not saying nething, the stuff i used to put up with was insane when i think about it and i most definately dont put up with it anymore. I may have lost many things but i realise i gained some aswell. . . . . friends that became family i'm an only child but i know have sisters but most importantly my independance and voice.
. . . . . . my question how do i keep quiet when all i want is to be honest.