July 4th 2008

Well I know that I haven’t been writing and yeah well I had my mind on other things. But believe it or not I am in the hospital doing my LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!! Number 14 in room 10 of unit 4E3 oncology. The past few months have went by so fast it’s hard to take it seriously that I am actually completing my treatment already! Summer is here, Graduation is done and most of my friends are ready for their lives in front of them. Some packed up already to go for college and university in other cities and can’t wait to get away from home.
I somehow got this crazy feeling to live my life! The way I wish too, of course I wouldn’t do anything stupid but just to live the way I want to. Time has become so precious to me it’s hard to understand the way I operate now a days. Most people are telling me to slow down and take it easy to relax, my problem isn’t not knowing how to relax its that I want to fit in as much as I can in as little time possible. It’s why I am always ready to go somewhere and do something, because I don’t like being in one spot for too long any more. Our time here on this earth is way too short and once you have something like Cancer take your life over for a while, you can’t help but want to be in control again. Wanting to go out with family and friends and eating the food you once truly enjoyed etc.
Today is July 4, 08 it is officially 10 months since I found out and started my Cancer treatment. Ten months, I can’t believe that it has been ten months already and soon it will be a year. I know that I am not out of the woods yet but I would like to somehow feel some relief if I could. But it’s this thing always at the back of my mind, so many thought they were healed when it came to the end of their treatment only to be let down tremendously by finding out that instead of getting better they are only going downhill . . . the only thing that I don’t wish to happen to me is to GO DOWNHILL after fighting for so long and hard. I would like to finally breathe for once and feel some satisfaction. But breathing doesn’t come easy for me when I have so much pressure, ideas, and opinions rushing through my head all the time.
I’m always thinking about who really cares about me and what happens to me! Who’s is gonna be there for me when it’s all over and I’m alright! I’m wondering who out there is proud of me or thinks nothing of it! Or if I will even get though it still. Even when this treatment is over and if I’m Cancer free, I will never be the same again, I will not be normal or feel really normal again. I think I will always feel like I know something that others don’t, that time is precious and to use our time wisely as long as we have our time. Not to be arrogant and foolish and do away with my life, If I have truly beaten this Cancer I would feel like I have fought so hard to throw it all away for nothing at all, like so many people do.
But anyway its been a long few day’s and I only have two more days to go before i’m discharged for the last time! . . . . as strange as this may sound i’m going to truly miss this place with all the people in it. The people I like and even dislike!