Pressures of having Cancer

Okay i trully dont know what the Hell i'm supposed to be doing. . . . . . How the HELL DO I MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! Everyone wanted something from me when i didnt have Cancer and people still want something from me when i do have Cancer!

most want me to get my head on straight and relax and concentrate on getting better! Others want me to continue with school or enroll in a whole bunch of programs. . . that i dont want to enroll in.
I want to go to school mainly because my friends are there. . but the more and mroe time passes the more i think all those hurtful words my mom used to say like i never had or have any friends and that no one cared for me at school and that they all just want something from me is true!
I mean the more close i get to someone and then as soon as i go into the hospital for a week or they have a weekend get away and we talk the next time we see eachother they say those words that make me feel completely replaced every single time. . . . "yeahh They're my new BEST FRIEND" and the person wouldnt be me lol! or something like "They're in all my classes we spend every minute together were like sisters" and i'm sitting there thinking i USED to be that girl with soo many people now i'm just some girl they see every once in a while. Now when people say that i know they dont intentionally say it to make me feel bad they are just letting me know about it. . . but seriously i still desparately want to be that girl again! I used to be the one everyone would come to when they had a problem or needed advice or just another opinion on a situation! now i'm almost like a nobody to everybody. Thats what i feel like, I mean i just found out one of my friends since jr high was going through a really tough time with her family after a relative had been lost and I FELT SOOOO BAD THAT I DIDNT EVEN KNOW AND I WASNT THERE FOR HER! my senior year was not suppose to be like this. . all twisted and fliped ways i couldnt even have imagined!

I still cant believe that my friends talked me into going to Grad now with every day it comes closer to more and more i dred the day it comes!.. . . . . i dont see the point anymore in getting dressed up anymore i hate looking fake and now i look horrible like a walking corpse naturally! i see no point i always feel ugly i always feel gross and that i should not even be let out of the house sometimes. dark circles around my eyes almost all the time, paler than what i used to be, somes i'm just swollen because im retaining water, bruses everywhere because my platelets are little to nothing, scares that will never go away, NOT TO MENTION THAT I'M BALD! My nails are dying and just pealing off, weak so so so weak and tired. And i'm resently starting to show my long term chemo side effects which would consist of my preception being completly shot, talking like my toung is swollen, getting a lot more dizzy and light headed, being hypersensetive to light and sound. I mean a 17 year old shouldnt have to worry about these things not now not when i'm supposed to be worrying about Graduating with Honors, picking what college i want to go to, what i want to do for the rest of my life, possibly moving out into a dorm and freaking out about finally being on my own. Not to mention the Graduation experience i should be excited out of mind crazy for it NOT scared shitless because i think i'll stick out like a sore thumb in a dress thats to extravagant and wearing a WIG that i'll be scared will come off and i'll just completely embarass myself in front of the whole graduating class. I know people that are probubly going to cheat there way into graduating and I CANT EVEN DO THAT! I dont like the feeling of being left behind no matter now many people tell me its not my fault that Cancer happened and all. . . and that i'd miss a lot of school from treatments. . . . . that was the one and only thing i trully wanted this year it was just to graduate and to be the first one in my family of GENERATIONS to graduate from High school outside of South America! i mean i was the first one to go beyond a jr high education outside of South America anyway. I worked my ass off for my grades to make my grade 12 schedule the way it was, and now i have nothing to show for it at all but having to redo the entire thing when i had the intention of doing it once and one only and doing it right the first time and i wasnt even given a first chance to do it anyway! And it pisses me off the most that i will be all by myself doing a 13th year of school with the 2009 graduation class when i'm supposed to be with the 2008 graduating class the calss with my friends even some people from elementary are in this calss sure i'll admitt i dont like all of them now but we can say we went through our entire base education together. My friends have already got accepted to universities and colleges arounds the city, outside of city some outside of the country! THEY'll all leave and start there life and i'll be stuck with people i dont like for an enitre extra year.

I trully Believe that i made this Cancer thing look to easy to my friends at the beginning of my treatment. after about my Fith month of chemo like my 9th chemo that weekend it had hit me hard i was sick bad for a week i couldnt hold anything down not even water at a point sleeping was impossible the pain was practically embearable. My energy level went plumiting down hill and i was left weak and tired almost all the time it became a challenge to go up and down stairs. Before this point in my treatment i would be at school without fail after i gave myself 24 hours grace after chemo even after my parents protested against it. Sounds funny but i was So happy at school i got to see my friends instead of baby Cancer patients that just broke your heart. I got to do School work instread of filling out admission forms and telling a Doctor what meds i needed because i was out or telling my oncologist the changes that occured and if i should be worried. I got to eat in the caffeteria at school intead of eating hospital food! School had meant almost everything to me and now i just dont know what it means any more. I mean my friends are worrying about there boyfriends, preventing pimples, there grades, social gossip, there next social outing, everyday conflicts, the latest technology, college courses, locations, cars, getting there lisence, moving from home, and there graduation.
I get to worry about when my next treatment is, not forgetting to take my meds on time, following my hospital rules, worrying about taking a 13th year of high school, if i'll be Cancer free at the end of my treatment, still having my friends even after they move on without me, if my hair will ever grow back, if i'll become sterile after my treatment is over, If ill die before i'm ready to go, if i die will anyone really care except my family will my friends even remember me when the school year is up, When i beat Cancer what will i do for the rest of my life!

Right now i really dont want to have to worry about school, and religion online that i totally shouldnt have enrolled myself in and i'll have to try and get myself out before i fail it horribly! i really just want to lay back and relax and go to school when i want to see whats happening. I want to attempt to have fun and find myself and try and get to a place where i'm comfortable again.