Farther than ROCK BOTTOM

Some people have asked me what is a bad day like?? is there pain?? is it emotional or physical, or is it both? I was and still am a bit afraid of putting this post up to really show you guys the pain that I PERSONALLY feel when i have hit farther than rock bottom some days. This was made a while ago. . . .

I HATE MY LIFE. . . . .at the moment! I get out of the hospital and it still takes over my life if its not school i have to deal with. Its actually quite scary when you feel this low. . like i’m in the part where i’m suicidal! My Cancer is ruining everyones lives. . my mom keeps bitching at me saying that i’m sick and i shouldnt be outside that from now on i’m only aloud to go to school and come home and go to the hospital and for check ups! I CANT LIVE ANYMORE. . . .death seems like a reasonable solution right now very very cowardly i admitt but its a solution i could do it quite easily too considering that my platelites are 16 when they are supposed to be 140 and up i could just prike my finger or give myself a nose bleed! Because i have Cancer i’m not normal, because i have Cancer i lost friends, because i have Cancer my parents marriage is probubly going to end my Mom keeps threatining to leave me and my Dad. She says she is trying to keep it all together and all she does is yell at us every moment something goes wrong. My Mom says that God is punishing me because i’m not praying enough and that i dont believe! When my Mom is ranting on me which is hourly she talks as if it was my fault i got Cancer my fault that her marriage isnt working out as if it was my fault that the relatives dont call or care, my fault that Dad is working harder and out of the house more. As time goes by i cant help but think that its all very very true. . . . . .that it is all my fault!
I’m used to being the one that people go to for help or advice when they need someone to talk to! I’m not used to being to one that needs to talk to somebody i normally have my head on straight and i take my own advice (normally). So okay i need to talk to someone but i dont know how to do it i’ve never had to do it before i’m the one that helps people not the helpie. So i seriously want to move out of my house if i’m causing soo much pain for everyone. Like i need more pressure at this point.. . . . . i’m completely sinking in really deep water and i’m drowning as i’m writing this. My Heart (if i still have one left at this point) is shattered and swollen and STUCK IN MY THROAT, my stomach is sick and cant hold anything, and my mind just hurts, and theres nothing left. I feel liek theres nothing left to livefor at this point.
Probubly the first thing i do when this Cancer shit is over IS MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE away from my mother. I Know that no matter how many times i say i hate her and i dont want to be near her i know that i will always . . . . . need her. Is sounds horrible but my Mom has emotional and verbally abused me since i was 4 years old by the age of 7 i knew that i would have to suck it up and go on with life. I had matured a lot faster than other kids and in a way my Mom prepared me for any kind of hard ship and for that i’m actually grateful but i cant put up with the abuse anymore its to much to handle.