. .To Be Normal Again. . .

I think i’m making this cancer thing look to easy. . . most people are asking me why i’m not crumbling and everything when i am inside!! But im an only child i dont talk to my parents!!! And with my friends i’m the “Strong” one the one who everyone else turns to for advice and comfort NOT the other way around. I’m not used to being the one who needs someone to talk to and if i were to talk to someone i dont know HOW to. So i blog and i diary and i type or draw or find something to distract myself OR i listen to other peoples problems and help them figure out theres so i dont have to concentrate on mine. Even if i were to talk to someone about my problems especailly my friends none of them could possibly understand. . they dont have cancer they arent in my position and i pray they never will be. But the things i have to deal with either gross them out of they have no idea what its like. My situaiton is starting to get to me and i can feel my will slipping away sometimes. . . I MISS SOO MUCH and i’m soo scared that most of it wont came back or it will be too late for me.
I miss my hair. . being able to curl it, straighten it , getting completely and uttering FRUSTRATIED with it because i was just having a bad hair day, and just messing around with it. I would rather have bad hair days the rest of my life than be bald sometimes, i was really attached to my hair! I hate that my eye browns and eye lashes are slowly falling out and that i have to find ways to make them look normal! But it is nice that i havent had to shave for like 3 months haha. I miss the way things used to taste. . . .when i finish chemo the next few days taste like metal or well water. . . . . i would love for some things to taste the way they did so i could enjoy food much better. I MISS SCHOOL haha i never really thought i’d say it but i LIKE school and i always did. . . i went to school learned and i got to see my friends and make new ones and it was my life School was my life. I worked hard or at least tried my best and now i’m missing soo much school i feel like i’m slipping away from my friends i’m soo out of the loop that i have to ask a whole bunch of questions and i think i get them angry sometimes because i’m always asking the same questions when i get out from chemo and get back to school. I miss hanging out with my friends, everyone is soo busy i’m scared to ask if they have any time because i’m sure they would want that time to themselves to relax and i feel horrible for even thinking about asking for that time because they need to relax too. They are all excited about graduation and going grad dress shopping and all that. . . .and i dont feel like i want to go i still feel out of place and insecure. I mean i got sooo puffy from chemo my body is completely different and i dont think any dress in the world would look flattering on me! They always joke about now all we have to do is get you a boy friend Alora. . and outside i laugh and say yeahh because i a guy is gonna make my life a lot better!!! But inside i feel like tearing their head off, i mean this is a shallow world that we live in today. .i dont think i could get a boy friend even if i wanted one. I dont know a single guy that would date a girl with Cancer and it really hurts when my friends joke around about getting me one because i know it wont happen! And i dont need that kinda of turmole . . . I mean i’m bald and i’m puffing and i have water weight WHAT GUY would go out with a girl like that come on seriously!!!! I actually miss getting my period !!! how weird is that i mean at first it was nice not getting it but now. . its like what if i never get my period again even after treatment i mean i would never be able to have my own kids!! How i want to be normal again!