Re-evaluation Meeting SCARY. . .

Okay soo the meeting was this morning and my stomach is still doing summer salts. . . . any wayy this is how the entire day went. Woke up this morning and had to get to the hospital at 9:30am for our appointment, but since i still have VRE i have to be placed in isolation. UHH i hate it its sooo gross and unnecessary. .but if any of the other kids got it because of me i'd never forgive myself!!! But anyway back to my daily events for the day. I was placed in isolation and had to wait to get some blood work done to check my counts and to also get crossmatched because i might need to get a transfusion again this would be my third one!
Both of my parents were with me this time instead of just my Mom because we were going to have a few doctors talk to us about where we would go from here.
So the waiting is really the worst part! you just sit there and do nothing until someone comes into the room and tells you whats up and how long they think it will be and blahh blahh blahh. . . we spent most of the morning time talking to Gloria she helps us with scheduling chemo admittions and blood work and special events that people hold for kids with cancer shes a great help and shes really nice. She was trying to help us out trying to figure out when my next chemo should be soo i could try and be chemo free before i have my diploma and then after i could go in for chemo. But we decided to wait on my blood counts to see what they looked like before we made any final plans. At this point i was freaking out about the doctors coming to see me . . . . . . i mean this was it!! I would finally know if the chemo was trully trully working and how much and if i really had a lot longer to go. . or if it wasnt working at all!!!!! . . . .or if i had to do alternative theropy!! or if i need radiation or SURGERY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
yeahhh i was freaking out MAJORLYYYY i mean of course i didnt show it i mean if i did everyone would have a feeding frenzy over me, So i kept my cool for the few days that came up to it and this morning as well. Then the moment of truth came. . . . . and it was sooo intimadating i mean Gloria was in the corner takes notes and then i had FOUR not just one or two but FOUR DOCTORS! My doctor the one who diagnosed me, two first year doctors that were working on my case, and . . . . . . A RADIOLOGY DOCTOR! big guess what i was gonna find out huuu.
Well i still had some good news though the chemo has been working its magic for the past 12 weeks of my treatment soo far. .the tumor itself shrunk by 50% and most importantly the activity has shrunk by a little OVER 50% the doctors said its pretty remarkable for only 12 weeks of treatment and they say that the treatment is going in the right direction and its working and now we just need to keep going. They said when week 13 comes around they would have to chose between two options Radiation or Surgery! And lucky right now its only Radiation i would have to undergo about 25-30 days of radiation on my leg and about 10 days in my chest area just for insurance that the cancer will not spread to my lungs!
Soo yeahh and then they also said that well if the radiation doesnt work as planned they would have to resort to surgery which would also mean i would lose half of my left leg. . . . .they would rotate the bottom half of my left leg so that my ankle would become my knee and i would have to wear a prostectic leg. . . . now that really blindsided me and my parents they never told us it was a possibility before! I can handle losing my hair and losing a few friends because they got scared or even becoming sterile from this treatment BUT LOSING MY LEGGGG. . . now that i dont think i would handle very well. . . . . . Like my life isnt hard enough with Cancer i would have to live for the rest of my life without half a leg!!!! But you know what i mean would i rather lose my life or just half a leg and you know what i think i'd get over it!!! But just the fact that i have to know it and then i have to wait and only time will tell me if i need to think about preparing myself for something like that. . . .but i'll cross that bridge when it comes along.
Honestly chemo is hard enough . . . but my life is about to get a whole lot for complicated and wayy more difficult.
When the doctors where talking to me it took ALL of me to keep myself from falling apart infront of everyone. . . i had to distract myself somehow but yet still pay attention so i got all the facts but just incase i missed anything Gloria was writing notes down. . but i would think of soemthing that would make me happy or mad like i thought about the coming math diploma i thought about a movies i had to get my uncle to burn onto a disc for me when i came in for my next chemo visit, my friends HOW I WANTED TO TALK TO MY FRIENDS. . but the more i thought about my friends i found myself getting blurred vision from getting watery eyes so i had to stop about that and think of soemthing i hated PRUNES, WILL FERREL, SPINICH, etc i wanted to scream and shout and just tell them to shut up it was TOO MUCH TOO FAST . . . they kept going and going and i felt the light at the end of my tunnel getting smaller and farther away as i realized i wasnt out of the woods yet i had a long long long wayy to go. I was getting soo nervous and stressed and heavy hearted that i actually had an IRREGULAR HEART BEAT i had to take deep breaths in . .without anyone noticing!
Soo if that wasnt enough my doctor also decided to tell me this beautiful piece of info: that they didnt want to alarm me but they had found a few spots on my lungs a few weeks ago and they werent sure if it was cancer or not but they were very small but there were 15 of them and from my scan last week they had showed that the spots had disappeared! WHICH MEANS THE CANCER HAD SPREAD TO MY LUNGS . . . . i was completely floored and i'm screaming in side like WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS?? i had cancer in my lungs!!! but that was the fact right there haha i HAD cancer in my lungs and i realized that they had disappeared and he said the chemo was seriously doing its job and the chemo since it is a systemic treatment it had killed it away. . . .Thank God. . . . but the thing that alarmed me the most was that He didnt tell me that i had spots on my lungs AND that He was going to ignore those spots. . Because he himself wasnt sure if it was cancer or not and they were too small to go in a find out!!!
Overall i really shouldnt be complaining i mean i still got good news!! i mean the Tumor and the Cancers activity had shrunk by 50%!!! And i can start Radiation within a few weeks and then i'll only have a few more months to go!!