January 8th 08

Okay soo i was released today at 12:30pm. . . and i am sooo happy to be out! I mean i can smell the fresh air and walk around outside of four walls, oh freedom is GREAT!!! Just wish chemo didnt make you soo sore, and crabby. I also found out that one of my chemos gives me serious heart burn and i've never had heart burn before soo i didnt know what it was lol. But i officially hate heart burn now i cant eat much of any thing because it will give me a heart burn.

Uhh what does someone do, to get started with something? I mena i want to do soo much, but i feel like i have no time at all. I think i might have subconciously set off a clock or something in my head when i first heard the words "Cancer" in my diagnosis. I guess i feel like time is running out on me, when i know that the chemo is supposed to help elongate that time, i still feel cheated somehow. I was supposed to be freaking out about normal things at school with my friends, about what boy was cuter or what dress to get for grad?? Or how we were supposed to do our hair, nails and makeup and how we would all show up together! And diplomas have crazy study parties and tutorials and just hanging out when ever we could without a worry. And for me i couldnt do that any more, i'm behind in my classes and im trying hard to stay up with them but it feels impossible because they keep moving forward! And i want more than anything to graduate with my friends but i'm afraid im a realistic person and i know that i must re-complete grade 12 with out a dought i will not pass my exams likely! For Grad i dont even feel motivated at all i have no hair and everyone since grade 7 has been imagining all these different ideas of how do to MY hair for grad in grade 12. I dont feel pretty in anything i wear especially since chemo makes me look like a blow fish, and puffy everywhere. Not to mention that when my hemoglobin is down i look like a ghost!
I dont want to feel soo left behind and forgotten. . . . i feel like no one has time for me or trully cares to visit but just comes to visit to keep face! I have a few friends that i know care, but they have a weird way of showing it sometimes. I just wish i could actually have a good time again. . . to have some fun! But its hard to think about having fun when i have to worry about how im gonna finish my school work or if i will pass my diplomas, what would i do if i dont graduate, could i redo the courses during summer or next year!!! what college do i want to go to! WHAT DO I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?? is what i feel like everyone is asking me. . and all i could possibly think of when asked that question is to Enjoy my life. . . . .

I've realized that before my diagnosis i've always done things for other people and i would bearly do anything for me, or that made me happy, or did something that i had an interest in. I was always doing what my parents wanted, go into business or go into math, either one i wasnt trully interested in and besides i suck at mathamatics. I loved science and art omgosh did i love art, and i really wanted to do something with water creatures like a marine biologist and live off the coast of Fiji or Hawaii or Vancover etc. I think it would be really peaceful but i also dont want to be too far away from my family and friends, and i want to make a good salary! So i could go traveling the world with friends.

any way those are my thoughts before i attempt to sleep tonight!