January 7th 08

Okay so i’m going home tomorrow and did i mention that being in ISOLATION sucks! The only thing that makes hospital stays seem a bit better is knowing that you might be able to stay with one of the friends you’ve made while being here. I cant even leave the room to go to the teen room either which isnt fun being couped up in a little room, its actually quite scary. You have to much time to think and then slowly the walls start to get closer and closer with each passing day! But me and the girls tryed to find a way to still comunicate, and we thought of notes. We would write notes and pass them along to the nurses or our moms would pass them again to whom ever and so the note goes around. And then we always write back with some news and i got to see them for a while to they would sit in the family area where i would just sit by the door so they could see me and we could talk for a bit. But everyone is tired and kinda layed back.
Justina starts chemo tomorrow for the first time and i pray she will do well i’m sure she will be fine but i wont lie that the first time is the worst! The chemo hits your body really hard the first time. Your unable to eat, think, feel, hear almost like all your senses have been apprehended and your just watching and observing for the time being. You dont know what to expect so you get nervous and scared and maybe even feel a bit paniced. I know i had a horrible night i hurrled about four times couldnt keep anything liquid or solid down for hours, i felt completely delusional i thought i had a mental disability. It actually hurt more to go home for the first time, that feeling you get when you have a really nausty flu or cold and your body is just aching and sore and you feel just disgusting. Thats what the first week of chemo felt like. I was sensitive to light and sound for the first day or so, i could start to eat a little bit. My head would throb all the time, my vision would go blurry and i would start seeing blue stars. NO REALLY blue stars and then i would get crazy dizzy in while case i would have to sit down where ever i was at the moment IMMEDIATLY or it would jsut be a disaster.
My resolution this year was to LIVE like really LIVE the way i’ve always wanted to, to be fearless and let nothing hold me back. I guess i have to work on that, when your stuck in a room your brain starts to mel function and you dont feel so livly. I want to be one of those resiliant people that you look at all the time and you think i dont know how they do it but i admire them for it. At the moment stuck in this room i have no idea what to do or think about or really what to write. I guess i’m writing so i dont lose my mind and i feel like i’m reaching someone, somehow. Remember i’m an only child i dont have any one to talk to, i dont even talk to my friends about the things i think about with my cancer because frankly i know that they dont care to hear about it. I know better than to talk about my problems when they have problems of there own, sometimes when we spill our guts to our friends we take on more problems and i dont want to do that to them. But there are times where i wish i had a sister or brother, younger or older it doesnt matter but to be able to talk to someone when ever about anything would be nice. Its a luxury i dont have and millions take the luxury of family for granted everyday.