I'm not sure what i'm feeling now. . i just feel resentful all of a sudden at everything and everyone its taking every ounce of me not to explode on any one. For some strange reason i feel extremely pressured. . . . I have school to worry about and i'm trying my hardest and doing as much as i can and NO ONE knows how hard it is thinking about school when i also have to think about working on my health aswell. People tell me to work hard at school (and i am doing that) BUT then i have others telling me to worry about my health. . . and im trying to make everyone happy but its hard when you try to concentrate on both. I dont no what to do any more. . . .but i have been noticing that i'm trying to concentrate on other peoples problems to distract me maybe i need to worry about myself a bit more. OMG when i say that kind of stuff i feel SOOO selfish.
I think i'm just getting nervous since i'll be going to Cross Cancer for the first time on wensday the 23rd for fittngs and appointments. . . . . then starting radiation! I mean its also when i start second semester and i'll be working on English 30-1 and Bio 30. . . . i'm worried i wont get much done. I really want to graduate like actually graduate . . . .and just have to up grade like 2 courses it just sounds soo much better to me than HAVING TO DO GRADE 12 OVER again! Then maybe i'll feel like i've accomplished something during my treatment. Sometimes i feel like my heart is in my throat and i cant breath from the pressure and i have to force myself to think of something that i'm happy about. . . and there arent many im finding i used to have many but they are slowly disappearing from the lightness i had. I felt soo free like i could do anything i knew what my morals were i knew for a moment who i was and i wasnt scared. . . . . .but everytime someone mentioned college or families or making plans without a care . . . that feeling was being chipped away little by little. I feel like everything is slipping away from me and i'm hanging on to my sanity by a threat and theres a flame close by and its gonna snap pretty soon. I can normally pull myself out of my own slumps pretty fast but theres something different this time. . . . .its like theres no point in me pulling myself up again. omgosh i think i'm actually get a bit depressed. . . like i'll never be happy again ohh my word thats like the definition of Depression great i'm offically depressed. . . . . i'm gonna love to pull myself out of this one.
One thing thats been killing me is that my Mom has been Pushing God on me. . . . . i mean I believe in God and his work and i'm still growing with him i mean my Mom think its gonna happen over night or something! Every minute its like "did you pray, we should pray, okay lets pray" I can understand that praying is good and i have been praying every night that God heals me and makes me better and gives me a miracle. And not to mention i have ppl all over the world praying for me from friends and family and also complete strangers ALL THE WAYY IN GREECE AND ISRAEL. I'm soo greatful but theres only soo much i can take about people pushing God on me. Its not something that can be forced or anything its something you have to find on your own. . they showed me the path and its my decision to follow or not and i'm still finding out who i am as a person. I mean i got to point where i felt soo content even with having Cancer and then being placed in isolation because i have VRE AND starting radiation. . . . . .because i knew what i had and how lucky i was because no matter what your situation theres always someone out there who has it worse! If anyone has any advice i'll be happy to listen. . . . .
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This page is a constructive outlet for me to write about my journey with Cancer. It will be like a behind the scenes story of what its like to be a teenager with Cancer.
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About Me
- Alora Deonie
- Alberta, Canada
- I am currently 22yrs old, I created this blog when I was 17yrs old. I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 16, for awhile a group of us were talking about how to create or find constructive outlets. This is how my blog started, with the purpose to be my outlet when I left I could turn to no one that would understand. I would share my experience and my thoughts with the world because cancer patients think differently. This blog is to show people who are curious about other peoples lives and the perspectives they have. I was open then at 17 to share my deepest and honest inner thoughts, and at 22 I am just as willing, So join me in following my life journey through how I balance being a stage 4 Cancer patient with "normal" life.
2 comments:
Alora, whenever you're feeling like this, don't be afraid to talk to someone and vent. And if you can't for some reason, then write. Just reading this post I could see you working your way through the process.
I don't think anyone expects you to be chipper and happy 24/7. There are bound to be 'down' days...maybe even weeks. I believe that when this happens, it's because we have something to learn. So instead of worrying, try to ask yourself, 'what is my mind saying to me and why do i feel this way?'
As for God and your mom...you know she loves you. That is so obvious to anyone who see you two together. She may be pushing school because for her that symbolizes 'normal life'. You know, BEFORE cancer. She's scared and for her, God and prayer mean hope. Why not tell her how you feel the next time you feel pressured. In the end, God is a personal relationship. Let her have hers...and you can choose what's right for you. :)
Just know that any feeling you have is the right one--for you--for that moment. Don't be afraid to feel down. We're given emotions to experience them. It's the getting back up that's most important.
"At the end of even the darkest tunnel, there is always light."
--Cheryl Kaye Tardif ;-)
Thanks for your advice its much appreciated!
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