December 19th 07

Okay well it is now 9:39pm and i have just been admitted again for treatment this is going to be treatment number 5 (vincrystine, doxo, cyclophosphamide). This i will be in here for a max of 4 days which kinda like really sucks since like its almost christmas and like i’ll be out like christmas eve. But its better than nothing i guess, you cant get everything you want out of this experience.
Any way yesterday was the fantasy land hotel dinner for selet families, my mom,dad and i went. Jessica and Tessa were there with their families and we all hung out together it was absolutly amazing! I love the ball room there its great! It was like a four corse meal thing going on. You got there and they served you bread and salad then later the actual dinner which was turkey with stuffing, mashed potatos, corn and carrots it was delish! And the kids got chicken fingers and fries. Ohh and the desert was really sweet a chocolate pecan cake with whip cream and stawberry with white chocolate sauce, and then they gave you tea or coffe to go with it! And everything was served to you that was really cool. Then santa came for all the kids and got presents too even i got one haha. Then the real fun we all got our coats and headed down stairs and got picked up by limos to take us to bright nights! And with Tessa, Jessica and my family was 11 people and we requested a limo so we could all hang out together and we got one just for us and it was AMAZING. We all sang carols on the way and back and we had a complete blast! We even started making plans to hang out together.
When you have Cancer your perspective changes a lot and you think about things you never thought you would in your life. You become so greatful for everything you have and if something goes wrong you always say it can be worse. I have Cancer and yeah that is horrible but it happens and it did and its happening to me. But i could have no family to help support me and amazing friends that help me everyday by just still talking to me and “trying” to make me feel normal. I could have complete jerks of teachers that wouldnt cut me some slack because i was away for treatment and i missed a test or assignment. Truly i am happy with my life. Sure its not perfect but who’s life really is perfect.
Many people ask me what kinds of things i worry about and if i worry about death and the fact that i’m more suseptable to it. Death is the last thing on my mind my new years resolution is the LIVE like i never lived before. To let NOTHING hold me back, to put myself out there even if it makes me look stupid because ive realized you live once and only once and why not make it rock. So i’m going to try and be the person i’ve always wanted to be but held myself back out of fear. And let me tell you once you’ve heard that your future survival rate is 60-70% your not really scared of much. I’ve been taught a few things when i was small and another thing i intent to live by in the new year is that the only thing i will fear is GOD and nothing else. So im going to try and be that girl that everyone likes because she has such a great spirit and out look on life and is fearless! Sadly my shy days are over haha.
Other things you worry about when your a teen with Cancer is your love life. And i’m not talking about if your parents are gonna love you less or more, or your family. I’m talking about the love that every girl dreams of that one guy thats her perfect match her knight in shinning armor. You wonder if it will ever happen, for me i feel like i will never be loved like that from any guy. I know that this is a very shallow world the 21ist century and you may know a few guys and you may ask them if they would every date a girl that has a life threatining illness and of course they would say they would because you were there friend and you know that soo you dont believe them but you say thanks anyway. But you really dont feel like you will be loved by anyone and that there isnt a single guy out there that would a chance.
You also worry about the rest of your life, if you’ll have a life to live for the rest of your life. Would you have a great paying job, with the amazing colliges and great boss or if you’ll be the boss. Would you get the apartment or house of your dreams, would you get the guy of your dreams, then the family. Would you have the fun you always imagined with your friends. Would your dreams really come true!
I know that i want to travel the world, i want to meet real heros in life, i want to be someones hero! I want to be famous about something! I want to finish high school and pass like everyone else without exceptions. I want to have fun and i want to be loved by someone. Most of all i want to be cured of this obstacle!